Divergent (2014) - YA Pandering Nonsense.

I would suggest diverging from your path to the theater. 

Book-to-film adaptations are a dime a dozen. I don't think it's too far of a stretch to say so. It seems like every other movie you see in theaters is adapted from a novel or novella of some fashion. Some are good. Some are bad. Either way, it's easy to see that Hollywood has no ideas of their own so they take them from the creative writers of the world.

But do you know what's worse than a copy-and-paste by-the-numbers cash-grab of a movie? A copy-and-paste by-the-numbers cash-grab of a movie based off a copy-and-paste by-the-numbers cash-grab of a book. Divergent is an atrocious rip-off of the Hunger Games meant to cash in n that franchise's popularity, nothing more.

Don't believe me? Let me outline the story of this movie for you: A young, waif-y white girl lives in a dystopian future ruled by strict divisions in the form of districts factions. This girl will go into a situation where she must learn to fight alongside a cast of far more interesting characters who will get little focus aside from the generic hot guy who cares for her tremendously because he threw bread at her they are both 'divergent', eventually leading up to a rebellion against the Capital the leading Faction.

It's the Hunger Games, except more complicated and without the actual games. If that sounds boring as sin, then you'd be right! This movie is a boring mess of uninspired plot points and fortune cookie-level philosophies. It makes me so baffled that this movie managed to get as much of a following as it did.

Oh wait, I know exactly why! Because it's wish fulfillment, plain and simple. It's insipid drivel meant to attract young girls who want to be super-strong tough Mockingjays who topple dictators and make out with hunky, raven-haired dudes while still having perfect hair and remaining 5'4 and 90 lbs. It's this pandering bullish that makes me despise this movie and everyone involved.

But...we'll get to that later. Let's discuss the actual plot of the movie, shall we?

Beatrice is a girl born in the city of Chicago where all of its' citizens are divided into 5 factions: Amity, Erudite, Candor, Abnegation, and Dauntless, each of them serving a specific purpose in society. Beatrice is Abnegation, the selfless faction, and has to undergo a test before she chooses which faction she's a part of for the rest of her life. But when she takes the test her results are inconclusive, meaning she has more than one personality trait...like most people do in real life but not in this universe, apparently. The Powers That Be call people like her "Divergents" and don't like them because they can't control them because...I don't know. The movie doesn't even bother to explain.

This is Triss. Are those mockingjays on her collarbone?

Beatrice is told to lay low because, by complete coincidence, the one giving Beatrice the test is a Divergent sympathizer and is willing to keep her secret. Beatrice proceeds to do so, hiding her divergence from her family in a very conspicuous way. When the time comes for Beatrice to choose her faction she decides to join Dauntless: the supposed law enforcement faction, even though all the Dauntless seem to do is climb buildings, train combat skills and generally be dicks to one another.

Upon joining Dauntless, Beatrice changes her name to "Triss" (because that doesn't sound like the second syllable of the name of a certain rebellious waif from a certain YA novel series...) and comes across a guy named Four. He has abs and broad shoulders. He's also a trainer for Dauntless recruits. That's pretty much all you need to know about this guy.

She also comes across her ethnic best friend, an asshole played by Miles Teller, and a few other people I can't bother to remember. I'm intentionally avoiding calling them "characters" because in order to be a character, you need to have a personality and reason to exist. These people don't. They're just background decorations and plot devices.

This is Four. He has muscles. 

There's a big problem with this movie right there: character is completely absent from this film. The plot moves at a mile a minute with no time to get to know or care about our heroes aside from very basic personality traits so the actors have something to go off of. I don't care what happens to these people, and neither will you. The only reason you would care would be if you projected yourself onto the main character, which this movie is clearly trying to get you to do!

Take this for example: at one point Triss has to participate in a virtual reality simulation (I think. It's never made clear how the technology works) where she must face all of her greatest fears. Now, a competent filmmaker would use this scenario to establish some personality traits and motivations for Triss, as exploring what one fears is a good way of establishing character.

Take, for instance, Batman Begins. The movie goes in-depth into Bruce Wayne's character and firmly establishes his motivations and fears. One of the villains in the movie, Dr. Crane, uses a toxin that makes his victims see their greatest fears. Batman needs to overcome his fears to stop him and save the day.

This is nothing like that. Triss's fear simulation is used only to further the "hiding divergence" plot point, because she tells herself that the sim isn't real so she manipulates reality in the envirnment to beta her fears. Only Divergents can do that, apparently, so it just reinforces how skilled and special our main hero is.

Speaking of which, Triss takes part in the training scenarios put in place by Four and the Dauntless Executives, and yet it barely feels like she's actually training. It feels more like she's just reinforcing what she's already good at. She's great and knife-throwing without ever practicing beforehand (even when it's established that she's a poor shot with a gun.) When the Dauntless trainees get together to play a game of Capture the Flag, Triss wins the game for her team by suggesting the complicated strategy of climbing high to get a vantage point before sneaking in and retrieving her enemy's flag. She's constantly regarded as a hero by her peers (except asshole Miles Teller, but he's an asshole so it's OK) and lauded with praise and admiration.

But maybe that's because the hunky Four (God, that name is stupid) shows unfathomable amounts of favoritism towards her! It's obvious that he's supposed to be her love interest, and having him be the drill instructor to her entire division gives way to him giving her special treatment. It's highly unprofessional and makes it seem like Triss is cheating her way through training.

She's evil? Naw....impossible.

Maybe that's the reason that, at one point, three fellow initiates try to kill her by throwing her off a bridge, only her her to be saved by I Am Number Four and have it be revealed that one of the perpetrators was one of Triss's friends. She's receiving so much special treatment that her own friends hate her! At least that's what you'd think would be happening, but no. The friend feels so bad about it afterwards he kills himself by jumping off the bridge I just mentioned. What purpose does that plot point serve? No idea! It vanishes just as quickly as it appears.

And if you'd like an even better idea of how special being a Divergent is, apparently having more than one personality trait makes you immune to mind control in this universe. Apparently Triss and her ilk joined Dauntless at the exact same time the Powers that Be, the Erudite faction (because logic and reason is evil), has decided to turn the Dauntless into an army of mindless slaves to kill the Abnegation folk because they're too selfless and hurt the community...I guess. Like most things in this movie, the Erudite faction's motivations are not well-explained.

Lucky for us, Triss and Team Four Star are both Divergent and are able to stop the evil Erudite boss (an old, blonde, pale woman played by Kate Winslet) and save the Dauntless and Abnegation folk before riding off on a train into an uncertain future. Sure enough, there are 2 sequels to this movie, and I hear there's another in development. The later it releases the better, because this is one of the most shallow and least original films out there, especially in the young adult genre.

If you haven't caught on, this movie is only meant to appeal to the fantasies of young girls who want to be total badasses without ever putting in any actual effort. It's a pointless, boring mess of undeveloped plot threads and flat characters that serve only to inflate the ego of our blank protagonist.

Divergent belongs in the Cinematic Garbage faction.

Street Fighter (1994) - Straight from the arcade cabinet and into our nightmares.

What Stupidity! But don't forget! There are movies like you all over the world!

HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

Let's get one thing out of the way: video game-based movies suck. They just do, OK? Never have I ever found a movie based directly off an existing video game that was legitimately good. We've had a few that were so bad that they were enjoyable, but they weren't good movies.

He really ought to go home and be a family man.

Case and point: the 1994 attempt to cash in on the popularity of Street Fighter 2. Street Fighter: The Movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme as an American soldier. Yes, I'm being serious.

There's a certain level of disrespect that comes from most video game movies. As in, they're disrespectful to both the fans of those games and the games themselves because it never feels like the writers or directors have ever enjoyed or even PLAYED the games their movies are supposed to be based on! So they churn out a by-the-books piece of trash to make a quick buck off the legions of fans who actually appreciate the art of video games.

To be fair, Street Fighter isn't necessarily a story-based game, but there's always an opportunity to make a fun and entertaining movie out of it, right? It's got a large cast of colorful characters and plenty of opportunity for fast-paced action and adventure given the concept.

Unfortunately for us, none of this potential was realized. Instead, they took the names of the characters of Street Fighter and gave them to a bunch of unmemorable jackasses vaguely resembling them.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's talk about the story, shall we?

This movie is about US Army General William Guile's quest to stop terrorist leader M. Bison and his organization, Shadaloo, from conquering the world using...weapons.

Ming-Na Wen as Chun-Li. Is it me, or has she not aged since then?

It's also about intrepid reporter Chun-Li Zhang on a quest to avenger her father, who died at Bison's hands when he razed her home village in rural China to the ground.

It's also about two petty criminals named Ryu and Ken trying to redeem themselves by infiltrating Shadaloo and getting close to one of Bison's associates, Sagat.

It's also about Dr. Dhalsim being forced into turn one of Guile's old friends, Charlie Blanka (sigh) into an unstoppable super-soldier for Bison, and purposefully screwing it up so Blanka doesn't kill everyone upon being released.

As you can tell, this movie is a bit crowded in plotlines and characters in an attempt to include every reference to Street Fighter 2 that they possibly could. Because of that, this movie ends up relying on quantity over quality, which never ever works. Movies that do this just tire out the audience and make us wish we were watching a more focused narrative.

And these are just the good guys at the end minus Guile. 

The progression of events in this movie is completely nonsensical. Not only does this movie have nothing to no with actual street fighting, instead revolving around Bison's terrorist plot, but Guile's plan to counter this is absolutely preposterous. I won't give too much away, but it involves faking his own death only to reveal himself again, sending in two people he barely knows a moles, super-advanced stealth boats, and nearly getting himself fired. Makes sense to me!

New traits and skills the characters have, especially the minor ones, are learned when they're need and not beforehand, making the movie seem like it's just pulling plot devices directly from its' ass. We don't get much time to know the many, many characters except maybe Chun-Li, Ryu, and Bison, but even then, they aren't interesting. They're just there to reference the game and provide us with more people to participate in the film's numerous action scenes.

Since we're on the subject, let's discuss the action scenes. They're ridiculous. At times it feels like they're trying to be over the top and other times they feel like they're trying to be realistic, thus earning the appeal of neither. What's strange is that this movie chooses to omit the supernatural elements of Street Fighter games and embrace the science-fiction elements. You won't be seeing any Hadokens flying around, but invisible boats and high-tech weaponry are everywhere. I feel like some Sonic Booms and Psycho Crushers would have at least given this movie some visual appeal.

When this movie isn't showing off its' ludicrous martial arts it spends most of its' time in conversation, strangely enough. The key to making any conversation engaging in a movie consists of two things: writing and acting. This movie has neither of those things. Most of the dialogue consists of either expositions or one-liners so bad that the Fast and the Furious writing team would look at the script and cringe in disgust. Admittedly, a few lines can reach "so bad it's good" territory (a line involving Bison and a certain day of the week comes to mind) but most of them just feel copy-and-pasted from other, better action movies.

The acting? Was there acting in this movie? I'm not sure. Most of the cast feel like they're just reading lines in-between doing their stuntwork. Jean-Claude Van Damme falls into this especially, with him not even bothering to hide his accent as he flatly delivers his lines with zero effort or enthusiasm whatsoever. Hell, half the time his accent is so think you can't even tell what he's saying! What's a "wicacaw", Van Damme!?  There are only two actors in this movie who actually feel like they're trying, the first of which is Ming-Na Wen as Chun-Li. Sure, she's no Meryl Streep, but she at least convinced me that she was a character. The other actor who tries is Raul Julia as M. Bison.

OF COURSE!

Now, Julia in this move is truly something to behold. This was actually his last role before his untimely death. Apparently, he chose it for his kids. A heartwarming fact, I'd say, but his performance is...questionable at best. Oh, don't get me wrong, he puts in effort, but I have no idea what that effort was put towards
. Julia's hamminess in this movie is off the charts. He does an excellent job of appearing slimy and insane as the evil dictator his character is, and it's clear that he was having the time of his time portraying him.

But aside from R.J. Bison and a few funny lines from the minor background characters, there isn't much reason to watch this movie. It's disrespectful to the intelligence of its' audience, it's disrespectful to the source material, and it's just a corporate cash-grab meant to cash in on the popularity of a popular video game. What more is there to say about it?...OK, there's a lot more to say about it if you're a fan of the games, which I am. Now, I try to keep this review objective for the sake of appealing to everyone, so if you're not interested in hearing me rant about inaccuracies then skip to the end of the page.

So, for starters, why are Ryu and Ken criminals in this movie? I thought the two of them were good friends trained under Gouken to be warriors, right? Ryu spent his whole life under his sensei's wing and only cares about becoming the world's greatest warrior, so why is he resorting to conning Sagat out of his money!? And while we're on the subject, why is Sagat a mob boss? He was the King of Muay Thai Boxing before suffering a humiliating defeat to Ryu, which caused him to doubt his honor, forcing him to turn to Shadaloo to find a purpose in life. He was never a pompous mob boss like he is in this movie!

Chun-Li and Bison's portrayals are, surprisingly, fairly loyal to the source material, but the same can't be said for the agents of Shadaloo. Why is Dee Jay, a carefree recording artist, now a money-obsessed lackey for Bison? Why is Zangief, a big-hearted Russian wrestler, so stupid that he thinks Bison is a good guy when he acts like freakin' Skeletor? Why is Vega a silent masked idiot who works for Sagat and fights in cage matches using a giant freakin' claw? I think that makes it a little unfair! Why is Balrog no longer working for Shadaloo but is now Chun-Li's cameraman? That's about as far away from his character as you could possibly get!

BLANKA SMASH!!

Oh, but let's not forget about Dhalsim, who went from "wise and enlightened yogi trying to save his village" to "scientist enslaved by Bison (in the worst restraints ever, by the by) to make an evil super-soldier." Speaking of said super-soldier, apparently the makers of this movie decided to combine the characters of Charlie Nash and Blanka into one horrendous abomination of a plot point that ultimately contributes nothing to the central plot. Blanka went from "orphan raised in the Brazilian Jungle just trying to be accepted" to "the Incredible Hulk" basically.

There are more characters being butchered by these screenwriters, like Cammy working alongside Guile in...Special Forces I guess (it's never really specified) instead of being Bison's slave, freed by the heroes and given a second chance. E. Honda went from pride-filled sumo wrestler to Chun-Li's tech guy. Akuma is nowhere to be found (which is a shame because I feel like he could have added something to Ryu's sub-plot.) Bison's history is never touched upon. Guile has no character aside from being a generic action hero.

These characters are nothing like the colorful cast from the games, instead replacing them with a boring cast of nobodies we never get invested in. Street Fighter: The Movie is an absolute failure. A true piece of cash-in Cinematic Garbage if I've ever seen one.

YOU WIN!

The ending shot of this movie. Yes, it is that stupid.

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Movies I Actually Like: Action Films

Today I thought we'd lighten the tone a bit from our previous sessions together. We've been talking about bad movies for a while, horrible pieces of cinema that deserve to be ridiculed and attacked to no end.

This time, we're talking about something a little different: good movies! I know, I'm shocked too!

Despite my continuing mission being to warn the masses of the worst movies ever made, sometimes you just need to step back and take a break. Sometimes you need to watch some movies that aren't complete garbage. You need to take some back for yourself.

But that's enough talk. Let's just get into the meat of this post: my favorite action movies! In no particular order, I'll be counting off action films that made me feel happy inside, and briefly describing what I like about them.

IT BEGINS NOW...

John Wick (2014)/John Wick Chapter 2 (2017)

Let's start off a few recent action flicks that made me realize that I should see more action films in theatres.

The John Wick films center around the titular hero, John, a former assassin who was happily retired with his wife living in a big, lush manor. Keyword: was. His wife ended up dying, leaving him in terrible grief. All John has now to remember his wife is his car and a puppy she left him. Despite the puppy saddening him, he takes care of it for her. For a time, he was living his life, doing his best to get through his mourning period. He seemed like he would be OK...until one faithful day.

A few members of the mob break into John's place, beat the crap out of him, steal his car and kill his puppy. That was enough to push John over the edge, and he breaks out his old bag of tricks to take vengeance upon those who wronged him.

This movie was directed by veteran stuntmen and they make their love of the genre clear in every frame. The camera and stunt work in  this movie is incredible. Not only can you clearly see what's going on, but it manages to excite you all the same! Keanu Reeves, who plays the title character is very dedicated to his work as both an emotional actor and a physical actor, happily doing his own stunts and not relying on a stunt double. This is always something that adds a lot to an action movie.

Unlike many an action protagonist these days, John Wick actually has a backstory and a good reason to go out doing what he's doing. Sure, he's a major badass who can murder someone with a pencil, but he's also a man struggling with grief and trying to leave his past behind him with little success. He's someone we can root for, and I think that's essential in any film, action or not. That's why I love John Wick.

Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Indiana Jones is one of the classic action heroes. He's the everyman, and yet a total badass at the same time. Even aside from that, the action in this movie is amazing with Harrison Ford's amazing stuntwork.

John Williams' score also adds to the experience, keeping our hearts pounding just as much as Indie's as he makes his way through treacherous dangers. A good musical score is one of the most important things to keep us involved in these kinds of movie, and I feel like a lot of action movies forget this nowadays.

Nobody ever tries to make memorable movie scores anymore. That's pretty saddening to me.

Aliens (1986)

From horror icon to action movie mook. What a journey the xenomorph has gone through.

In all seriousness, this movie is awesome. The movie manages to be very exciting and very suspenseful all at once as our heroes battle the endless alien hordes. Despite the brief screen time of most of the characters, they still manage to be memorable. Ripley, Newt, Bishop, Hicks, Hudson, and Vasquez just to name a few.

Speaking of Ripley, let's talk about her for a moment. I'm fairly sure she's the one who kickstarted the whole "action girl protagonist" genre of film that Hollywood loves so much. Not that I'm complaining. She's a film icon at this point, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Furious 7 (2015)

HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....

This movie's so silly. I love it so much.

This is the first Fast and the Furious movie I ever saw, and it set a tone, yes it did. While I did feel a bit lost at the beginning, I settled in just fine after 10 minutes. I got the gist of what was happening fairly quickly and settled in for a wild ride.

The action in this movie is completely ridiculous, but in a good kind of way. You're able to suspend your disbelief pretty far because of how crazy and fun this movie is, and even if you don't like Vin Diesel as a leading man, you've got an entire crew as well so you're going to find someone to root for.

This movie isn't high art, not even close. But it's fun, and that's all that matters!

Predator (1987)

Stealthy aliens, ripped soldiers and Arnold Schwarzenegger. How can you go wrong?

That, and this movie manages to build both tension and intrigue like few others can. 

The Matrix (1999)

Now this is an action masterpiece. 

Amazing camerawork. Unique special effects. An amazing concept and execution. The Matrix is truly the height of the Wachowskis' career.

It's unfortunate that its' sequels were so friggin' weird.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)

This movie is an absolute classic. I love every single minute of it. The action, the suspense, the characters, the acting even, this movie's got it all.

It also has one of the best action movie antagonists of all time: the T-1000. A cold, unfeeling robot battling a guardian bot protecting a rumbunctious child. A great idea with a perfect execution. The T-1000 just makes me grin every time those special effects are on-screen. It's so interesting seeing how they implemented both the practical and CG effects to turn Robert Patrick into a liquid-metal monster.

Arnold Schwarzenegger delivers a surprisingly good performance as the T-800 (odd, seeing his resume) which is both threatening and surprisingly heartfelt. Sarah's inner monologue about how leaving her son with Arnie is one of those iconic movie moments you never really forget. It's strange, and yet genuine in the best way possible. I would highly recommend this movie to any fan of action flicks.

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Speaking of practical effects, let's talk about Fury Road. The chases in this movie are damned impressive, with huge impractical cars driving across the desert while everything around them explodes all done with minimal CG.

While the film does get repetitive at times you can't doubt the amount of effort that went into it. So much effort that it won 6 academy awards the year it was released!

Robocop (1987)

An action-packed satire of 80's culture and veritable fountain of memes. What more is there to be said?

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Swashbuckling action, ghost pirates, lost treasure, and Johnny Depp.

To think that one of my favourite action movies of all time came from the family-friendly giant known as Disney is truly something to behold. Yet here it is.

Pirates is one of those movies that manages to create a truly memorable cast of characters, put them in horrible danger, and have you on the edge of your seat the entire time. True, it's a gang of pirates who rob and pillage people but that's part of the movie's charm.

Go ahead and watch it if you haven't already.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)

And last but most certainly not least we have Kingsman: The Secret Service. It manages to combine everything I love about spy movies, action flicks, and quick-witted British comedies all rolled up into one great picture.

It's a thrill ride that had me on the edge of my seat and laughing my ass off at every turn, all brought together by a talented cast and a passionate director. I can't do it justice. You can only see it for yourself.




Well, I'm done rambling for now. Tune in next time for a regular garbage film review!

Twilight - The film industry's most successful failure.

This movie has nothing to live for.

Success is a very subjective thing when it comes to film. There's critical success, which accounts for how much critics like a movie, and commercial success, accounting for how much money the movie makes. Most times, a movie has either both or neither upon release, but sometimes you get a movie that, despite being absolutely slammed by critics, manages to make back its' budget at the box office and then some.

One of the most notorious examples of a critic-proof franchise is the Twilight series of films which, even if they got consistently rotten scores on Rotten Tomatoes, ended up raking in over $3 billion worldwide total over their run. Even the first movie made over $393 million on a budget of just $37 million. How it managed to do that is no mystery, given the book it was based off of, but we'll get to that later.

The point is that even if a movie is successful and popular, that doesn't mean you should go see it. Twilight is a saga that left nothing positive in its' wake. The critics didn't like it, the families of fans didn't like it, even the actors who worked on the movies didn't like it, actively encouraging audiences to stay away from it.

We're not going to tackle the entire saga at once. If I tried to do that, you would have to pull the nearest sharp object from my throat by the time the final film was done. So instead, we're just going to look at the first film simply known as Twilight.

The movie centers around Bella Swan, a girl from Phoenix, Arizona moving to Forks, Washington in order to be with her father. While in Forks, she comes immediately makes some friends because everybody knows and likes her instantly despite her having all the personality of a mannequin. Either way, she meets a boy named Edward Cullen, who's very aloof, distant, and generally anti-social. He's even stranger around Bella, who he acts very very creepy towards, telling her to stay away from him because it would dangerous for them to interact. Naturally, Bella decides to pursue this oh-so-appealing individual only to find out that he is a vampire (shocking!) and is hopelessly in love with her because she smells good. Unfortunately, they can't be together because vampires and humans can't be together because reasons. 

It's a plot we've seen before. You can predict where this movie is going to go at every single turn. You know what is going to happen, when it's going to happen, how characters are going to react, what's going to be said, and how it all wraps up. This is one of the most cut-and-paste romance sin history, just with added supernatural elements to give it "originality".



But before we go over the many, many problems with this thing, as per usual, let's discuss the positives.

Today's forecast: cloudy skies with a chance of grey, grey, and more grey.

To be fair, I think that the cinematography in this movie is pretty good. It's a very well-shot and well-edited movie even with a few shortcomings in the SF department, but we'll get back to that. The film's cameraworkers have a very clear idea of what the tone of each scene is supposed to be and how it's supposed to look. Unfortunately, it's just what they're filming that stinks.

I also appreciate the color palette of the film if that makes any sense. Admittedly, I'm not really a fan of movies that are mostly grey, but I can appreciate it for setting an atmosphere. There is also an actual, in-universe explanation for the film being mostly grey, but we'll get to that later.


Unfortunately, that's everything positive I have to say about this movie. The rest of it was an absolute chore to sit through. I had to bite back the urge to grab my phone and entertain myself for the solid 2-hours of pure and utter disinterest this movie put me through.

The main problem with this movie can be summed up in one single word:

BORING

I was bored out of my skull watching this endless barrage of pure concentrated nothing. This is a movie where the most interesting characters get the least focus. This is a movie where the best actors are in the background and worst actors are in the foreground. This is a movie where 70% of the "romance" between the leads in expressed in blank stares and stilted exposition. It's that kind of movie!

Every scene in the movie feels like it drags on for hours and never seems to take a break. This film forces you to experience the boring and bland lives of a pair of boring and bland leads.

Let's get this out of the way: the romance in this movie is atrocious. It's absolutely terrible. The two leads, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, have absolutely zero chemistry throughout the film. Every time they interact it feels like the first time they've met! Maybe that's because I can count on one hand the times that either of them smile throughout the movie, and romances are supposed to be about two people who make each other happy, right? Well, it seems like they both make each other miserable in this movie. Edward puts Bella in danger of being used as a human Kool-Aid packet every time they meet, and Bella puts Edward in danger of being torn apart by fellow vampires for dating a human.

Bella Swan, with her eternal expression.

Then again, maybe it's because the direction in this movie is simply atrocious. There are actors in this movie that are clearly trying, but are given squat to work with. The rest of the Cullen family, Bella's father, and the antagonistic rogue vampires all feel like they want to give it their all, but aren't allowed to give anything more than 60%. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson on the other hand, do not give a rat's ass about their roles. Kristen Stewart in particular feels like she's intentionally trying to get the director to call her out on her sh*t acting, with her constantly open mouth and odd head shakes. I know she's not completely incompetent, as she has acted well in other roles, but here I just get the impression that she isn't trying in the slightest. Pattinson doesn't feel quite as apathetic, but it's clear he knows that the material he was handed was garbage.



And speaking of Pattinson and his character, yes, vampires are absolutely butchered in this movie. What was once a terrifying, seductive creature of the night has become a brooding, angsty, just-in-need-of-some-lovin' race of pale, boring woobies who do not hypnotize people, nor do they turn into bats, nor do they have an aversion to holy imagery. They're super-strong, super-fast, red-eyed, bloodthirsty albinos in this universe. On top of that, the abilities of a vampire are pretty inconsistent throughout this movie. Some can read minds, others can see the future, and others don't have any unique powers at all! They only come out on cloudy days because no direct sunlight comes through despite the fact that it totally does and clouds are not enough to stop it. But what happens when they come out on a clear day, you ask? Do they die? Do they turn to ash? Nope. They sparkle. The self-described perfect predator sparkles in the daylight....

Little known fact: most predators sparkle in the daylight. It helps them stalk their prey by making them as noticeable as possible.

VAMPIRES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Now, I've talked about the faults of this movie ad nauseam, but I haven't discussed this movie's biggest and most terrible problem. The problem with this movie, and the books it comes from, is what it represents. What it idealizes and romanticizes is appalling, and what makes it all worse is that it's targeted at pre-teens and lonely mothers. This movie suggests that if a stand-offish and socially awkward man stalks you, takes great pains to cut himself off from you, acts oddly, and tells you to stay far, far away from him because you'll get hurt...you should do the exact opposite and follow him and pursue him because he is your true love. Let's say that Edward wasn't a vampire. Let's say he was an ugly, poor, regular human. If that were the case, Bella's first instinct upon meeting him would be to run the hell away. But because he's an attractive supernatural being, she follows him into oblivion, lies to her father constantly, ignores all her other friends, and knowingly walks right into the jaws of an angry vampire all for a boy she just met.

Girls, listen: these movies are a bad influence. They, and the books they represent, are terrible pieces of media that have no place in the hands of the young and impressionable. Even if their movies are no longer coming to theatres, their influence will never go away. An entire generation of young girls was tainted by these vile pieces of drivel. That is why this movie is so atrociously awful.

Now, in terms of objective moviemaking Twilight is competent for the most part, but it's the terrible spirit of it that makes this movie such an abomination. I can't express enough how much I DO NOT recommend this movie. Do not watch it. Ever. It is prime Cinematic garbage.

Something smells...

Scooby-Doo - A misguided satire of a beloved classic.

Jinkies! This movie is awful!

Seeing the title of this blog you may be wondering: why did I choose to watch this movie? Well, I didn't. I spun a wheel and it landed on this movie. I was forced by myself to watch this film: a film I never wanted to watch again.

I remember watching this movie when I was a child, and how it was one of the very very few films I simply did not appreciate. As a child, I did not know the meaning of the word "dislike" since I loved every movie I saw because I was a very dumb child. So going back to this movie I was not excited. I was expecting an atrociously unpleasant romp through an abominable script filled with terrible lines and disturbing imagery.

Is that what I got...yes. For the most part, anyways. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's bad, horrendous even, but at the same time I felt like there was a better movie just underneath the surface trying its' damnedest to break out. I mean, the bad movie was very heavily restrained, but it was trying.

The movie was directed by Raja Gosnell, the same man who directed Home Alone 3, Big Momma's House, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and the live-action Smurfs movies.

Sarcasm Mode Activated

I'm so glad they got this guy to direct this movie. Gosnell is such a good filmmaker for kids and adults alike. After all, who could forget his unbelievably incredible direction in the Smurfs, taking a bunch of magical creatures from a fantasy land of whimsy and wonder and transplanting them into modern-day New York City? Or Home Alone 3, a movie with no connection whatsoever to the first two about an insufferable squirt who nearly kills a couple of robbers!? Totally awesome! Not a hack who never deserves to work in the industry again!!

Sarcasm Mode Deactivated

...Ahem. Anyhow, I think it's time we talked about the actual plot of the movie. As you can tell, the film is an adaptation of the classic cartoon series, Scooby-Doo. The original show centered around Mystery Incorporated solving crimes committed by people in monster costumes.

This movie is fairly similar. Mystery Inc. splits up within the first 20 minutes and the rest of the movie centers around them bickering whilst solving an ancient conspiracy in an amusement park built on a scary island. Just the natural progression of this series, right?

First, let's talk about the positives. The casting in the movie is on point. Freddie Prinze Jr. plays Fred as a self-centered pretty boy, Linda Cardellini delivers an excellent imitation of Velma, Matthew Lillard is clearly having fun playing Shaggy, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer portrays a very meta version of Daphne.

Rowan really needs to work on his Doctor Strange cosplay.

Rowan Atkinson also inserted himself into this movie, playing the eccentric owner of the haunted amusement park. He's fairly amusing, but ultimately wasted on this project. His appearance just reminded me that I could have been watching Mr. Bean instead.

Another positive about the movie is that there are some good ideas present. I actually like the idea of the Scooby Gang going up against an actual supernatural threat. Unfortunately, this movie doesn't do much with it.

OK, we're done with the positives. Now let's get into the negatives, shall we?

First of all, this movie is struggling to find its' identity. Does it want to be a straight-up continuation of the Scooby-Doo series or does it want to be its' own thing, satirizing the original material? Does it embrace the silliness of the original cartoon or is it trying to do away with it? Is it trying to appeal to kids, fans who grew up with the original show, both, or neither?

There are parts of this movie that seem very out of place for a family-friendly comedy. There are jokes and concepts that seem very out-of-place and straight-up disturbing for kids. Example: the Mystery Inc. gang sans Scooby end up in a situation where their minds and bodies are switching places (it makes sense in context) and Fred's mind ends up in Daphne's body. This doesn't sound too bad on paper, and could lead to funny shenanigans if he's trying not to seem suspicious, but that's not where this movie takes it. Oh no. Instead, after adjusting to the initial shock, Fred looks down at his new body and says "Hey, I can look at myself naked...".

Yeah, that was a real line...

This is a movie for families!

Look, I'm not against dirty or adult jokes in family films, but there's a certain art to them. Many Warner Bros. films and cartoons make jokes like that in a subtle and hilarious way. This movie doesn't get that, instead just blurting them out with no rhyme or reason.

It gets even worse when Daphne shows up in Fred's body and says "Velma! Fred's touching me!" Nice. Real nice.

But the jokes aren't the only things that are off-colour in this movie. There's also the characterization of the Gang, which feels very, very off. Each of the gang members is very mean-spirited and just an exaggerated version of what their character originally was. Fred and Velma are each very pompous for different reason, Daphne is determined to solve the mystery on her own despite how much of an idiot she is. The only character I feel was captured well was Shaggy. He's the goofy, "groovy" hippie-ish individual who can't get enough food in his stomach yet somehow stays as skinny as a twig. Though, I feel like his cowardice was dialed up a bit too much, if that's possible, as he's willing to let his friends get eaten so long as he doesn't have to go into the scary monster cavern. Between you and me, I think Shaggy might favor Scooby over the other gang members. Speaking of, Scooby-Doo himself is less of a "character" in this movie and more like an atrocious visual gag. Scooby's only role in this movie is to provide slapstick, but it barely works because he looks like he was transplanted from a completely different movie. An animated movie. A really really cheap animated movie.

Rikes! Scooby looks terrifying!

The CG in this movie is awful by the way. I already mentioned Scooby-Doo looking like he jumped straight out of Shrek, but the rest of the CGI creatures in the movie look even worse. The supernatural creatures inhabiting the island look like they relocated from a PS2 game, and the squash-and-stretch used on them is more disturbing than the creatures themselves.

There's one other CG creature in this film, and some may consider mentioning him a spoiler, but this movie was made over 10 years ago and since it's on this blog you're probably not going to see it if you haven't already. The villain of this movie is Scrappy-Doo. Yes, the stupid little puppy that invaded the original cartoon for many seasons has returned as the primary antagonist of the live-action film. Given that this movie was conceived as a satire of Scooby-Doo, this sounds like a hilarious idea, right? Well, it's not. I mean, Scrappy is played as an exaggerated version of the original character and it is pretty funny to see him get ragged on by the main cast, but something about it just doesn't work. Y'see, Scrappy is mentioned early on in the film by Velma as she's relaying a story of her and the Gang's exploits to a generic hot guy who never gets named, and it ends with Scrappy getting left on the side of the road. That might be a funny throwaway gag, but it coming back later on in the film feels so insane and stupid that I don't know how it didn't work.

Scrappy-Doo, after years of demon steroids. This could happen
to you, kids. Don't do demon drugs.

It gets even better, though. Scrappy disguised himself using a robotic duplicate of Rowan Atkinson in order to take over the park and summon the supernatural creatures so he could build an army to conquer the world. Scrappy uses the power of the supernatural creatures to transform himself into a giant dog-man hybrid abomination in the hopes of killing Scooby and the gang for wronging him before, and the CG Monster Scrappy looks even more disturbing than his monster minions. Let me recap that for you: Scrappy-Doo tries to take over the world with a robot Rowan Atkinson, and an army of demons whose powers he used to transform into a satanic nightmare from Hell. Scrappy-Doo is now officially an eldritch abomination. My God, how do you not make this joke work!?

That's the thing though, the idea of a demonic Scrappy is a pretty clever one. There are a few good ideas present in the movie, they just weren't really expanded upon. I touched upon Mystery Inc. dealing with real monsters, but there is a bit more. The idea of Mystery Inc. getting back together after a breakup? That could be a great opportunity to expand on their characters, but instead it barely feels relevant throughout the film. Monsters possessing people? That could breed paranoia and bring up issues of trust and loyalty, right? Never expanded upon. But like I said, the ideas are there, but it feels like they aren't allowed to blossom into good plot points. The writer of this movie went on to direct Guardians of the Galaxy (if you can believe it) so it's good to see that he moved up in the world. It just feels like Raja Gosnell wanted to take zero risks, and thus nothing was ventured or gained. I think that sums up this movie perfectly.

In conclusion, Scooby-Doo-Dee-Doo was an unpleasant and unfunny romp that didn't know if it wanted to pay tribute to the original cartoon or ridicule it relentlessly. If you're a fan of the original series, I wouldn't recommend this movie. Just go rent some of the direct-to-video animated films if you want some good old-fashioned Scooby-Doo antics.

Zoinks! This movie is Cinematic Garbage, Scoob! Let's make a run for the concessions booth, huh-huh! 

Thank you for reading! Be sure to share this with everyone you know, or Scrappy-Doo will become a permanent resident in your home.

Unfriended - The worst found footage horror film you'll ever see.

This movie, much like Facebook, needs a dislike button.

Horror films are an interesting genre. Horror movies are one of the most varied and flexible films out there. There are horror movies about monsters, slashers, aliens, ghosts, zombies, mental illness, and everything in between. The "found footage" genre of horror is one of the most polarizing on the planet, mostly because of how different it is from traditional filmmaking. The style can either suck you into a film, or do the exact opposite depending on how you like it. I personally think that, while it can sometimes be cheap way to save money on good cinematographers, it can also be used to great effect, a fact demonstrated by the Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, and other such movies.

With that in mind, let's talk about Unfriended. This movie takes place on the computer screen of the main character, Blair, and the film plays out like a recording of the events taking place on her desktop. This style hasn't really been attempted before, so there was a chance to create a new form of found footage. A chance to create a unique and interesting cinematic experience. A chance to be a trendsetter.

This chance was not taken.

This movie is extremely obnoxious, supremely unlikable, and straight-up boring for the majority of it. I was not scared or disturbed by this movie in the slightest. I was only annoyed and pained. Let me tell you about how bad this movie is, if you'd be so inclined to listen.

The movie revolves around an hour-long Skype call between a group of "friends" on the anniversary of the day a former member of their posse committed suicide over an embarrassing YouTube video about her that one of them apparently posted. Now, I want you to guess what events take place during this movie. Get a series of events in your head. OK? Go.

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OK, you got a plot in mind? Good. That's exactly what happens in the movie. Because if you've seen any movie involving ghosts and groups of people, you know every single event that will conspire in this film. Spooky things start happening with Blair's browser, a mysterious caller joins the Skype conversation, people start dying, secrets are unveiled as the movie progresses, dumb decisions are made by our protagonists, and it just goes on and on and on.

If this was any other movie involving spirits and teenagers then it probably wouldn't be worth my time or a post on this blog. However, this is not any ghost movie, oh no. This movie's biggest downfall is in the execution of the Skype call style. The idea of viewing a series of events from the perspective of one's computer screen has been done well before, like on TV shows or YouTube videos. The style works there because it's only going on for 22 minutes or less. This is a good concept for a short little sketch. It's a downright absurd concept for an 82-minute long movie.

Have you ever had a Skype call with several people, all talking at once? Imagine doing that for 82 minutes with some of the most obnoxious and unlikable people n the planet and you've got Unfriended in a nutshell. Just add some paranormal nonsense and a thin layer of plot and you've got a great recipe for a complete and utter mess of a film on par with the worst creepypastas.

Every character in this movie is a complete and utter douchebag, doing horrible things to one another in secret, and goading their ex-friend into ending her life. They express dislike toward people within their group behind their backs. They make you root for the antagonist when we're clearly supposed to root for Blair. This is one of the biggest problems with many a horror film, but this movie really showcases how bad it can get.

Speaking of how bad it can get, let's talk about this movie's "scary" moments. I say "scary" in quotations because there are no scares to be found. Despite the strange format, this movie's attempt at terrorizing the audience are about as effective as a small child going "BOO!" wearing a white sheet on Halloween. We've got everything. Jumpscares? Check. Computers not following the users' commands? Check. Characters being commanded like puppets? Check. Spooky messages being sent via Skype? Check. It's not scary. It's been done before. It's just pointless.

If I were to give the movie anything I suppose the acting is good for the most part. Blair's actress in particular is very good at looking terrified, even if the movie doesn't give her much reason to be.

I also did laugh sometimes, particularly when the ghost, Laura, just seems to be screwing with our main characters. She makes memes out of her dead victims, and uses songs from Blair's Spotify just for fun. It's actually kind of funny, and I had a good chuckle over her playing "How You Lie Lie Lie" by Connie Conway after one of Blair's secrets was revealed.

Unfortunately, that is not enough to save this movie from its' horrendous writing and preposterous execution. It's annoying, it's not scary, and it just made me want to smash my TV by the end of it. Unfriended is a terrible creepypasta-turned piece of Cinematic Garbage.

Dungeons & Dragons - An amazing mess of a fantasy film.

A tale of adventure, magic, and overacting.

Wow! Dungeons and Dragons, what have you done!? This movie...is amazing! The level of over-the-top stupidity in this movie is astounding!

Released in the year 2000, this was Courtney Solomon's attempt to bring the iconic tabletop game to the big screen...I think. I honestly can't be sure of anything in this movie. This movie has some of the most over-the-top acting, over-the-top writing, poorly-made sets, and unexplained plot threads that I've seen in a while. I enjoyed this movie way more than I should have!

Don't get me wrong, this movie is garbage. Absolute garbage, in fact. But you know what? After seeing God's Not Dead, this is like Citizen Kane in comparison!

The difference between D&D and God's Not Dead is simple: God's Not Dead is a hateful sack of crap that made me feel uncomfortable from beginning to end. D&D is an earnest film that feels like it's trying to make a good movie. It just didn't turn out too well.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's get int exactly what makes this movie such a beautiful mess.

So, this film actually has a plot I can describe easily and succinctly. Strange, I know. The movie revolves around the evil sorcerer, Profion, who's trying to overthrow the Empress Savina by using an ancient scepter that can control dragons. Through a convoluted series of being the wrong places at the wrong times, a young, 99-cent version of Aladdin named Ridley, his sassy black sidekick named Snails, and an attractive, bookish mage named Marina, end up competing with Profion's servant, Damodar, to find the staff and save the world from the rule of a tyrant. It's got all your fantasy archetypes: a diverse set of heroes, a magically-inclined villain, a magic MacGuffin that everyone wants, swordfights, spells, and yet surprisingly few dungeons or dragons. Very disappointing, I must say.

Now, this movie sounds like the most generic-ass fantasy story in the world, and you're right. There is very little originality to be found here. But damn, it's fun! It feels like this movie revels in its own over-the-top madness and just presents with no shame. It's kind of amazing how open it is about its' premise. This movie just loves fantasy and everything that comes with it!

Profion, the Hammy

Now, despite how much this movie loves itself, that doesn't excuse it from being horrendous. My oh my, is this movie trash. Let's begin with the acting, shall we? Some of the performances, particularly those of Ridley and Marina, are passable at best and adorably poor at worst, this movie takes place in a certified World of Ham. Jeremy Irons plays Profion, and he is having the absolute time of life as the evil overlord. Every line of dialogue he utters is so deliciously evil and over-the-top that it's impossible not to smile yourself. Damodar is played by Bruce Payne and, and boy is he ever not caring what anybody thinks. Half the time he sounds like he's doing baby talk, and the other half he's imitating the Emperor from Star Wars. Snails is played by Marlon Wayans being every character he's ever played in his brothers' parody movies, just with less profanity and sex jokes. There are other characters, like Elwood the dwarf, and Azmath the Guildmaster, and they all act just as strangely and goofily at the rest. They're a blast to watch, but I can't in good conscience call them acceptable performances.

Damodar, the Fabulous

The effects in this movie aren't really anything to write home about. They are the very definition of "PS2 Cutscene" in terms of quality. While the practical effects are acceptable at best, if a little bizarre at times, the CG is so hilariously poor that I keep seeing Twisted Metal Black or Final Fantasy X every time a dragon is onscreen. The costume design is also pretty suspect, with many of them coming straight out of a bad L.A.R.P. session. Damodar in particular looks pretty ridiculous with his cape, spiked shoulder pads, and powder-blue lipstick. There's also the Empress's plastic, bouncy headgear, and a tracker elf's pointed-boob chestplate. I'm not sure who designed the costumes, but I hope they found good work in Spirit Halloween Store.

This movie is a crazed amalgamation of fantasy cliches and tropes that just rolls with the punches to create the ultimate blend of insanity and stupidity. It's an earnest film with no qualms about what it is, and I actually respect that greatly. A lot of films set in fantastical worlds will try their damnedest to make this world seem as dry and real as possible. This movie just doesn't care. It wears its heart on its sleeve and hides nothing. I love that!

This movie is Cinematic Garbage, through and through, but it's the kind of garbage that sticks out from the pile. It's a movie that, if you like entertaining messes, I'd actually recommend!

There are 2 sequels to this movie circulating around the internet. I guess I've got my work cut out for me.