Divergent (2014) - YA Pandering Nonsense.

I would suggest diverging from your path to the theater. 

Book-to-film adaptations are a dime a dozen. I don't think it's too far of a stretch to say so. It seems like every other movie you see in theaters is adapted from a novel or novella of some fashion. Some are good. Some are bad. Either way, it's easy to see that Hollywood has no ideas of their own so they take them from the creative writers of the world.

But do you know what's worse than a copy-and-paste by-the-numbers cash-grab of a movie? A copy-and-paste by-the-numbers cash-grab of a movie based off a copy-and-paste by-the-numbers cash-grab of a book. Divergent is an atrocious rip-off of the Hunger Games meant to cash in n that franchise's popularity, nothing more.

Don't believe me? Let me outline the story of this movie for you: A young, waif-y white girl lives in a dystopian future ruled by strict divisions in the form of districts factions. This girl will go into a situation where she must learn to fight alongside a cast of far more interesting characters who will get little focus aside from the generic hot guy who cares for her tremendously because he threw bread at her they are both 'divergent', eventually leading up to a rebellion against the Capital the leading Faction.

It's the Hunger Games, except more complicated and without the actual games. If that sounds boring as sin, then you'd be right! This movie is a boring mess of uninspired plot points and fortune cookie-level philosophies. It makes me so baffled that this movie managed to get as much of a following as it did.

Oh wait, I know exactly why! Because it's wish fulfillment, plain and simple. It's insipid drivel meant to attract young girls who want to be super-strong tough Mockingjays who topple dictators and make out with hunky, raven-haired dudes while still having perfect hair and remaining 5'4 and 90 lbs. It's this pandering bullish that makes me despise this movie and everyone involved.

But...we'll get to that later. Let's discuss the actual plot of the movie, shall we?

Beatrice is a girl born in the city of Chicago where all of its' citizens are divided into 5 factions: Amity, Erudite, Candor, Abnegation, and Dauntless, each of them serving a specific purpose in society. Beatrice is Abnegation, the selfless faction, and has to undergo a test before she chooses which faction she's a part of for the rest of her life. But when she takes the test her results are inconclusive, meaning she has more than one personality trait...like most people do in real life but not in this universe, apparently. The Powers That Be call people like her "Divergents" and don't like them because they can't control them because...I don't know. The movie doesn't even bother to explain.

This is Triss. Are those mockingjays on her collarbone?

Beatrice is told to lay low because, by complete coincidence, the one giving Beatrice the test is a Divergent sympathizer and is willing to keep her secret. Beatrice proceeds to do so, hiding her divergence from her family in a very conspicuous way. When the time comes for Beatrice to choose her faction she decides to join Dauntless: the supposed law enforcement faction, even though all the Dauntless seem to do is climb buildings, train combat skills and generally be dicks to one another.

Upon joining Dauntless, Beatrice changes her name to "Triss" (because that doesn't sound like the second syllable of the name of a certain rebellious waif from a certain YA novel series...) and comes across a guy named Four. He has abs and broad shoulders. He's also a trainer for Dauntless recruits. That's pretty much all you need to know about this guy.

She also comes across her ethnic best friend, an asshole played by Miles Teller, and a few other people I can't bother to remember. I'm intentionally avoiding calling them "characters" because in order to be a character, you need to have a personality and reason to exist. These people don't. They're just background decorations and plot devices.

This is Four. He has muscles. 

There's a big problem with this movie right there: character is completely absent from this film. The plot moves at a mile a minute with no time to get to know or care about our heroes aside from very basic personality traits so the actors have something to go off of. I don't care what happens to these people, and neither will you. The only reason you would care would be if you projected yourself onto the main character, which this movie is clearly trying to get you to do!

Take this for example: at one point Triss has to participate in a virtual reality simulation (I think. It's never made clear how the technology works) where she must face all of her greatest fears. Now, a competent filmmaker would use this scenario to establish some personality traits and motivations for Triss, as exploring what one fears is a good way of establishing character.

Take, for instance, Batman Begins. The movie goes in-depth into Bruce Wayne's character and firmly establishes his motivations and fears. One of the villains in the movie, Dr. Crane, uses a toxin that makes his victims see their greatest fears. Batman needs to overcome his fears to stop him and save the day.

This is nothing like that. Triss's fear simulation is used only to further the "hiding divergence" plot point, because she tells herself that the sim isn't real so she manipulates reality in the envirnment to beta her fears. Only Divergents can do that, apparently, so it just reinforces how skilled and special our main hero is.

Speaking of which, Triss takes part in the training scenarios put in place by Four and the Dauntless Executives, and yet it barely feels like she's actually training. It feels more like she's just reinforcing what she's already good at. She's great and knife-throwing without ever practicing beforehand (even when it's established that she's a poor shot with a gun.) When the Dauntless trainees get together to play a game of Capture the Flag, Triss wins the game for her team by suggesting the complicated strategy of climbing high to get a vantage point before sneaking in and retrieving her enemy's flag. She's constantly regarded as a hero by her peers (except asshole Miles Teller, but he's an asshole so it's OK) and lauded with praise and admiration.

But maybe that's because the hunky Four (God, that name is stupid) shows unfathomable amounts of favoritism towards her! It's obvious that he's supposed to be her love interest, and having him be the drill instructor to her entire division gives way to him giving her special treatment. It's highly unprofessional and makes it seem like Triss is cheating her way through training.

She's evil? Naw....impossible.

Maybe that's the reason that, at one point, three fellow initiates try to kill her by throwing her off a bridge, only her her to be saved by I Am Number Four and have it be revealed that one of the perpetrators was one of Triss's friends. She's receiving so much special treatment that her own friends hate her! At least that's what you'd think would be happening, but no. The friend feels so bad about it afterwards he kills himself by jumping off the bridge I just mentioned. What purpose does that plot point serve? No idea! It vanishes just as quickly as it appears.

And if you'd like an even better idea of how special being a Divergent is, apparently having more than one personality trait makes you immune to mind control in this universe. Apparently Triss and her ilk joined Dauntless at the exact same time the Powers that Be, the Erudite faction (because logic and reason is evil), has decided to turn the Dauntless into an army of mindless slaves to kill the Abnegation folk because they're too selfless and hurt the community...I guess. Like most things in this movie, the Erudite faction's motivations are not well-explained.

Lucky for us, Triss and Team Four Star are both Divergent and are able to stop the evil Erudite boss (an old, blonde, pale woman played by Kate Winslet) and save the Dauntless and Abnegation folk before riding off on a train into an uncertain future. Sure enough, there are 2 sequels to this movie, and I hear there's another in development. The later it releases the better, because this is one of the most shallow and least original films out there, especially in the young adult genre.

If you haven't caught on, this movie is only meant to appeal to the fantasies of young girls who want to be total badasses without ever putting in any actual effort. It's a pointless, boring mess of undeveloped plot threads and flat characters that serve only to inflate the ego of our blank protagonist.

Divergent belongs in the Cinematic Garbage faction.

Scooby-Doo - A misguided satire of a beloved classic.

Jinkies! This movie is awful!

Seeing the title of this blog you may be wondering: why did I choose to watch this movie? Well, I didn't. I spun a wheel and it landed on this movie. I was forced by myself to watch this film: a film I never wanted to watch again.

I remember watching this movie when I was a child, and how it was one of the very very few films I simply did not appreciate. As a child, I did not know the meaning of the word "dislike" since I loved every movie I saw because I was a very dumb child. So going back to this movie I was not excited. I was expecting an atrociously unpleasant romp through an abominable script filled with terrible lines and disturbing imagery.

Is that what I got...yes. For the most part, anyways. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's bad, horrendous even, but at the same time I felt like there was a better movie just underneath the surface trying its' damnedest to break out. I mean, the bad movie was very heavily restrained, but it was trying.

The movie was directed by Raja Gosnell, the same man who directed Home Alone 3, Big Momma's House, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and the live-action Smurfs movies.

Sarcasm Mode Activated

I'm so glad they got this guy to direct this movie. Gosnell is such a good filmmaker for kids and adults alike. After all, who could forget his unbelievably incredible direction in the Smurfs, taking a bunch of magical creatures from a fantasy land of whimsy and wonder and transplanting them into modern-day New York City? Or Home Alone 3, a movie with no connection whatsoever to the first two about an insufferable squirt who nearly kills a couple of robbers!? Totally awesome! Not a hack who never deserves to work in the industry again!!

Sarcasm Mode Deactivated

...Ahem. Anyhow, I think it's time we talked about the actual plot of the movie. As you can tell, the film is an adaptation of the classic cartoon series, Scooby-Doo. The original show centered around Mystery Incorporated solving crimes committed by people in monster costumes.

This movie is fairly similar. Mystery Inc. splits up within the first 20 minutes and the rest of the movie centers around them bickering whilst solving an ancient conspiracy in an amusement park built on a scary island. Just the natural progression of this series, right?

First, let's talk about the positives. The casting in the movie is on point. Freddie Prinze Jr. plays Fred as a self-centered pretty boy, Linda Cardellini delivers an excellent imitation of Velma, Matthew Lillard is clearly having fun playing Shaggy, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer portrays a very meta version of Daphne.

Rowan really needs to work on his Doctor Strange cosplay.

Rowan Atkinson also inserted himself into this movie, playing the eccentric owner of the haunted amusement park. He's fairly amusing, but ultimately wasted on this project. His appearance just reminded me that I could have been watching Mr. Bean instead.

Another positive about the movie is that there are some good ideas present. I actually like the idea of the Scooby Gang going up against an actual supernatural threat. Unfortunately, this movie doesn't do much with it.

OK, we're done with the positives. Now let's get into the negatives, shall we?

First of all, this movie is struggling to find its' identity. Does it want to be a straight-up continuation of the Scooby-Doo series or does it want to be its' own thing, satirizing the original material? Does it embrace the silliness of the original cartoon or is it trying to do away with it? Is it trying to appeal to kids, fans who grew up with the original show, both, or neither?

There are parts of this movie that seem very out of place for a family-friendly comedy. There are jokes and concepts that seem very out-of-place and straight-up disturbing for kids. Example: the Mystery Inc. gang sans Scooby end up in a situation where their minds and bodies are switching places (it makes sense in context) and Fred's mind ends up in Daphne's body. This doesn't sound too bad on paper, and could lead to funny shenanigans if he's trying not to seem suspicious, but that's not where this movie takes it. Oh no. Instead, after adjusting to the initial shock, Fred looks down at his new body and says "Hey, I can look at myself naked...".

Yeah, that was a real line...

This is a movie for families!

Look, I'm not against dirty or adult jokes in family films, but there's a certain art to them. Many Warner Bros. films and cartoons make jokes like that in a subtle and hilarious way. This movie doesn't get that, instead just blurting them out with no rhyme or reason.

It gets even worse when Daphne shows up in Fred's body and says "Velma! Fred's touching me!" Nice. Real nice.

But the jokes aren't the only things that are off-colour in this movie. There's also the characterization of the Gang, which feels very, very off. Each of the gang members is very mean-spirited and just an exaggerated version of what their character originally was. Fred and Velma are each very pompous for different reason, Daphne is determined to solve the mystery on her own despite how much of an idiot she is. The only character I feel was captured well was Shaggy. He's the goofy, "groovy" hippie-ish individual who can't get enough food in his stomach yet somehow stays as skinny as a twig. Though, I feel like his cowardice was dialed up a bit too much, if that's possible, as he's willing to let his friends get eaten so long as he doesn't have to go into the scary monster cavern. Between you and me, I think Shaggy might favor Scooby over the other gang members. Speaking of, Scooby-Doo himself is less of a "character" in this movie and more like an atrocious visual gag. Scooby's only role in this movie is to provide slapstick, but it barely works because he looks like he was transplanted from a completely different movie. An animated movie. A really really cheap animated movie.

Rikes! Scooby looks terrifying!

The CG in this movie is awful by the way. I already mentioned Scooby-Doo looking like he jumped straight out of Shrek, but the rest of the CGI creatures in the movie look even worse. The supernatural creatures inhabiting the island look like they relocated from a PS2 game, and the squash-and-stretch used on them is more disturbing than the creatures themselves.

There's one other CG creature in this film, and some may consider mentioning him a spoiler, but this movie was made over 10 years ago and since it's on this blog you're probably not going to see it if you haven't already. The villain of this movie is Scrappy-Doo. Yes, the stupid little puppy that invaded the original cartoon for many seasons has returned as the primary antagonist of the live-action film. Given that this movie was conceived as a satire of Scooby-Doo, this sounds like a hilarious idea, right? Well, it's not. I mean, Scrappy is played as an exaggerated version of the original character and it is pretty funny to see him get ragged on by the main cast, but something about it just doesn't work. Y'see, Scrappy is mentioned early on in the film by Velma as she's relaying a story of her and the Gang's exploits to a generic hot guy who never gets named, and it ends with Scrappy getting left on the side of the road. That might be a funny throwaway gag, but it coming back later on in the film feels so insane and stupid that I don't know how it didn't work.

Scrappy-Doo, after years of demon steroids. This could happen
to you, kids. Don't do demon drugs.

It gets even better, though. Scrappy disguised himself using a robotic duplicate of Rowan Atkinson in order to take over the park and summon the supernatural creatures so he could build an army to conquer the world. Scrappy uses the power of the supernatural creatures to transform himself into a giant dog-man hybrid abomination in the hopes of killing Scooby and the gang for wronging him before, and the CG Monster Scrappy looks even more disturbing than his monster minions. Let me recap that for you: Scrappy-Doo tries to take over the world with a robot Rowan Atkinson, and an army of demons whose powers he used to transform into a satanic nightmare from Hell. Scrappy-Doo is now officially an eldritch abomination. My God, how do you not make this joke work!?

That's the thing though, the idea of a demonic Scrappy is a pretty clever one. There are a few good ideas present in the movie, they just weren't really expanded upon. I touched upon Mystery Inc. dealing with real monsters, but there is a bit more. The idea of Mystery Inc. getting back together after a breakup? That could be a great opportunity to expand on their characters, but instead it barely feels relevant throughout the film. Monsters possessing people? That could breed paranoia and bring up issues of trust and loyalty, right? Never expanded upon. But like I said, the ideas are there, but it feels like they aren't allowed to blossom into good plot points. The writer of this movie went on to direct Guardians of the Galaxy (if you can believe it) so it's good to see that he moved up in the world. It just feels like Raja Gosnell wanted to take zero risks, and thus nothing was ventured or gained. I think that sums up this movie perfectly.

In conclusion, Scooby-Doo-Dee-Doo was an unpleasant and unfunny romp that didn't know if it wanted to pay tribute to the original cartoon or ridicule it relentlessly. If you're a fan of the original series, I wouldn't recommend this movie. Just go rent some of the direct-to-video animated films if you want some good old-fashioned Scooby-Doo antics.

Zoinks! This movie is Cinematic Garbage, Scoob! Let's make a run for the concessions booth, huh-huh! 

Thank you for reading! Be sure to share this with everyone you know, or Scrappy-Doo will become a permanent resident in your home.

Unfriended - The worst found footage horror film you'll ever see.

This movie, much like Facebook, needs a dislike button.

Horror films are an interesting genre. Horror movies are one of the most varied and flexible films out there. There are horror movies about monsters, slashers, aliens, ghosts, zombies, mental illness, and everything in between. The "found footage" genre of horror is one of the most polarizing on the planet, mostly because of how different it is from traditional filmmaking. The style can either suck you into a film, or do the exact opposite depending on how you like it. I personally think that, while it can sometimes be cheap way to save money on good cinematographers, it can also be used to great effect, a fact demonstrated by the Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, and other such movies.

With that in mind, let's talk about Unfriended. This movie takes place on the computer screen of the main character, Blair, and the film plays out like a recording of the events taking place on her desktop. This style hasn't really been attempted before, so there was a chance to create a new form of found footage. A chance to create a unique and interesting cinematic experience. A chance to be a trendsetter.

This chance was not taken.

This movie is extremely obnoxious, supremely unlikable, and straight-up boring for the majority of it. I was not scared or disturbed by this movie in the slightest. I was only annoyed and pained. Let me tell you about how bad this movie is, if you'd be so inclined to listen.

The movie revolves around an hour-long Skype call between a group of "friends" on the anniversary of the day a former member of their posse committed suicide over an embarrassing YouTube video about her that one of them apparently posted. Now, I want you to guess what events take place during this movie. Get a series of events in your head. OK? Go.

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OK, you got a plot in mind? Good. That's exactly what happens in the movie. Because if you've seen any movie involving ghosts and groups of people, you know every single event that will conspire in this film. Spooky things start happening with Blair's browser, a mysterious caller joins the Skype conversation, people start dying, secrets are unveiled as the movie progresses, dumb decisions are made by our protagonists, and it just goes on and on and on.

If this was any other movie involving spirits and teenagers then it probably wouldn't be worth my time or a post on this blog. However, this is not any ghost movie, oh no. This movie's biggest downfall is in the execution of the Skype call style. The idea of viewing a series of events from the perspective of one's computer screen has been done well before, like on TV shows or YouTube videos. The style works there because it's only going on for 22 minutes or less. This is a good concept for a short little sketch. It's a downright absurd concept for an 82-minute long movie.

Have you ever had a Skype call with several people, all talking at once? Imagine doing that for 82 minutes with some of the most obnoxious and unlikable people n the planet and you've got Unfriended in a nutshell. Just add some paranormal nonsense and a thin layer of plot and you've got a great recipe for a complete and utter mess of a film on par with the worst creepypastas.

Every character in this movie is a complete and utter douchebag, doing horrible things to one another in secret, and goading their ex-friend into ending her life. They express dislike toward people within their group behind their backs. They make you root for the antagonist when we're clearly supposed to root for Blair. This is one of the biggest problems with many a horror film, but this movie really showcases how bad it can get.

Speaking of how bad it can get, let's talk about this movie's "scary" moments. I say "scary" in quotations because there are no scares to be found. Despite the strange format, this movie's attempt at terrorizing the audience are about as effective as a small child going "BOO!" wearing a white sheet on Halloween. We've got everything. Jumpscares? Check. Computers not following the users' commands? Check. Characters being commanded like puppets? Check. Spooky messages being sent via Skype? Check. It's not scary. It's been done before. It's just pointless.

If I were to give the movie anything I suppose the acting is good for the most part. Blair's actress in particular is very good at looking terrified, even if the movie doesn't give her much reason to be.

I also did laugh sometimes, particularly when the ghost, Laura, just seems to be screwing with our main characters. She makes memes out of her dead victims, and uses songs from Blair's Spotify just for fun. It's actually kind of funny, and I had a good chuckle over her playing "How You Lie Lie Lie" by Connie Conway after one of Blair's secrets was revealed.

Unfortunately, that is not enough to save this movie from its' horrendous writing and preposterous execution. It's annoying, it's not scary, and it just made me want to smash my TV by the end of it. Unfriended is a terrible creepypasta-turned piece of Cinematic Garbage.