Street Fighter (1994) - Straight from the arcade cabinet and into our nightmares.

What Stupidity! But don't forget! There are movies like you all over the world!

HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

Let's get one thing out of the way: video game-based movies suck. They just do, OK? Never have I ever found a movie based directly off an existing video game that was legitimately good. We've had a few that were so bad that they were enjoyable, but they weren't good movies.

He really ought to go home and be a family man.

Case and point: the 1994 attempt to cash in on the popularity of Street Fighter 2. Street Fighter: The Movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme as an American soldier. Yes, I'm being serious.

There's a certain level of disrespect that comes from most video game movies. As in, they're disrespectful to both the fans of those games and the games themselves because it never feels like the writers or directors have ever enjoyed or even PLAYED the games their movies are supposed to be based on! So they churn out a by-the-books piece of trash to make a quick buck off the legions of fans who actually appreciate the art of video games.

To be fair, Street Fighter isn't necessarily a story-based game, but there's always an opportunity to make a fun and entertaining movie out of it, right? It's got a large cast of colorful characters and plenty of opportunity for fast-paced action and adventure given the concept.

Unfortunately for us, none of this potential was realized. Instead, they took the names of the characters of Street Fighter and gave them to a bunch of unmemorable jackasses vaguely resembling them.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's talk about the story, shall we?

This movie is about US Army General William Guile's quest to stop terrorist leader M. Bison and his organization, Shadaloo, from conquering the world using...weapons.

Ming-Na Wen as Chun-Li. Is it me, or has she not aged since then?

It's also about intrepid reporter Chun-Li Zhang on a quest to avenger her father, who died at Bison's hands when he razed her home village in rural China to the ground.

It's also about two petty criminals named Ryu and Ken trying to redeem themselves by infiltrating Shadaloo and getting close to one of Bison's associates, Sagat.

It's also about Dr. Dhalsim being forced into turn one of Guile's old friends, Charlie Blanka (sigh) into an unstoppable super-soldier for Bison, and purposefully screwing it up so Blanka doesn't kill everyone upon being released.

As you can tell, this movie is a bit crowded in plotlines and characters in an attempt to include every reference to Street Fighter 2 that they possibly could. Because of that, this movie ends up relying on quantity over quality, which never ever works. Movies that do this just tire out the audience and make us wish we were watching a more focused narrative.

And these are just the good guys at the end minus Guile. 

The progression of events in this movie is completely nonsensical. Not only does this movie have nothing to no with actual street fighting, instead revolving around Bison's terrorist plot, but Guile's plan to counter this is absolutely preposterous. I won't give too much away, but it involves faking his own death only to reveal himself again, sending in two people he barely knows a moles, super-advanced stealth boats, and nearly getting himself fired. Makes sense to me!

New traits and skills the characters have, especially the minor ones, are learned when they're need and not beforehand, making the movie seem like it's just pulling plot devices directly from its' ass. We don't get much time to know the many, many characters except maybe Chun-Li, Ryu, and Bison, but even then, they aren't interesting. They're just there to reference the game and provide us with more people to participate in the film's numerous action scenes.

Since we're on the subject, let's discuss the action scenes. They're ridiculous. At times it feels like they're trying to be over the top and other times they feel like they're trying to be realistic, thus earning the appeal of neither. What's strange is that this movie chooses to omit the supernatural elements of Street Fighter games and embrace the science-fiction elements. You won't be seeing any Hadokens flying around, but invisible boats and high-tech weaponry are everywhere. I feel like some Sonic Booms and Psycho Crushers would have at least given this movie some visual appeal.

When this movie isn't showing off its' ludicrous martial arts it spends most of its' time in conversation, strangely enough. The key to making any conversation engaging in a movie consists of two things: writing and acting. This movie has neither of those things. Most of the dialogue consists of either expositions or one-liners so bad that the Fast and the Furious writing team would look at the script and cringe in disgust. Admittedly, a few lines can reach "so bad it's good" territory (a line involving Bison and a certain day of the week comes to mind) but most of them just feel copy-and-pasted from other, better action movies.

The acting? Was there acting in this movie? I'm not sure. Most of the cast feel like they're just reading lines in-between doing their stuntwork. Jean-Claude Van Damme falls into this especially, with him not even bothering to hide his accent as he flatly delivers his lines with zero effort or enthusiasm whatsoever. Hell, half the time his accent is so think you can't even tell what he's saying! What's a "wicacaw", Van Damme!?  There are only two actors in this movie who actually feel like they're trying, the first of which is Ming-Na Wen as Chun-Li. Sure, she's no Meryl Streep, but she at least convinced me that she was a character. The other actor who tries is Raul Julia as M. Bison.

OF COURSE!

Now, Julia in this move is truly something to behold. This was actually his last role before his untimely death. Apparently, he chose it for his kids. A heartwarming fact, I'd say, but his performance is...questionable at best. Oh, don't get me wrong, he puts in effort, but I have no idea what that effort was put towards
. Julia's hamminess in this movie is off the charts. He does an excellent job of appearing slimy and insane as the evil dictator his character is, and it's clear that he was having the time of his time portraying him.

But aside from R.J. Bison and a few funny lines from the minor background characters, there isn't much reason to watch this movie. It's disrespectful to the intelligence of its' audience, it's disrespectful to the source material, and it's just a corporate cash-grab meant to cash in on the popularity of a popular video game. What more is there to say about it?...OK, there's a lot more to say about it if you're a fan of the games, which I am. Now, I try to keep this review objective for the sake of appealing to everyone, so if you're not interested in hearing me rant about inaccuracies then skip to the end of the page.

So, for starters, why are Ryu and Ken criminals in this movie? I thought the two of them were good friends trained under Gouken to be warriors, right? Ryu spent his whole life under his sensei's wing and only cares about becoming the world's greatest warrior, so why is he resorting to conning Sagat out of his money!? And while we're on the subject, why is Sagat a mob boss? He was the King of Muay Thai Boxing before suffering a humiliating defeat to Ryu, which caused him to doubt his honor, forcing him to turn to Shadaloo to find a purpose in life. He was never a pompous mob boss like he is in this movie!

Chun-Li and Bison's portrayals are, surprisingly, fairly loyal to the source material, but the same can't be said for the agents of Shadaloo. Why is Dee Jay, a carefree recording artist, now a money-obsessed lackey for Bison? Why is Zangief, a big-hearted Russian wrestler, so stupid that he thinks Bison is a good guy when he acts like freakin' Skeletor? Why is Vega a silent masked idiot who works for Sagat and fights in cage matches using a giant freakin' claw? I think that makes it a little unfair! Why is Balrog no longer working for Shadaloo but is now Chun-Li's cameraman? That's about as far away from his character as you could possibly get!

BLANKA SMASH!!

Oh, but let's not forget about Dhalsim, who went from "wise and enlightened yogi trying to save his village" to "scientist enslaved by Bison (in the worst restraints ever, by the by) to make an evil super-soldier." Speaking of said super-soldier, apparently the makers of this movie decided to combine the characters of Charlie Nash and Blanka into one horrendous abomination of a plot point that ultimately contributes nothing to the central plot. Blanka went from "orphan raised in the Brazilian Jungle just trying to be accepted" to "the Incredible Hulk" basically.

There are more characters being butchered by these screenwriters, like Cammy working alongside Guile in...Special Forces I guess (it's never really specified) instead of being Bison's slave, freed by the heroes and given a second chance. E. Honda went from pride-filled sumo wrestler to Chun-Li's tech guy. Akuma is nowhere to be found (which is a shame because I feel like he could have added something to Ryu's sub-plot.) Bison's history is never touched upon. Guile has no character aside from being a generic action hero.

These characters are nothing like the colorful cast from the games, instead replacing them with a boring cast of nobodies we never get invested in. Street Fighter: The Movie is an absolute failure. A true piece of cash-in Cinematic Garbage if I've ever seen one.

YOU WIN!

The ending shot of this movie. Yes, it is that stupid.

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