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| This movie has nothing to live for. |
Success is a very subjective thing when it comes to film. There's critical success, which accounts for how much critics like a movie, and commercial success, accounting for how much money the movie makes. Most times, a movie has either both or neither upon release, but sometimes you get a movie that, despite being absolutely slammed by critics, manages to make back its' budget at the box office and then some.
One of the most notorious examples of a critic-proof franchise is the Twilight series of films which, even if they got consistently rotten scores on Rotten Tomatoes, ended up raking in over $3 billion worldwide total over their run. Even the first movie made over $393 million on a budget of just $37 million. How it managed to do that is no mystery, given the book it was based off of, but we'll get to that later.
The point is that even if a movie is successful and popular, that doesn't mean you should go see it. Twilight is a saga that left nothing positive in its' wake. The critics didn't like it, the families of fans didn't like it, even the actors who worked on the movies didn't like it, actively encouraging audiences to stay away from it.
We're not going to tackle the entire saga at once. If I tried to do that, you would have to pull the nearest sharp object from my throat by the time the final film was done. So instead, we're just going to look at the first film simply known as Twilight.
The movie centers around Bella Swan, a girl from Phoenix, Arizona moving to Forks, Washington in order to be with her father. While in Forks, she comes immediately makes some friends because everybody knows and likes her instantly despite her having all the personality of a mannequin. Either way, she meets a boy named Edward Cullen, who's very aloof, distant, and generally anti-social. He's even stranger around Bella, who he acts very very creepy towards, telling her to stay away from him because it would dangerous for them to interact. Naturally, Bella decides to pursue this oh-so-appealing individual only to find out that he is a vampire (shocking!) and is hopelessly in love with her because she smells good. Unfortunately, they can't be together because vampires and humans can't be together because reasons.
It's a plot we've seen before. You can predict where this movie is going to go at every single turn. You know what is going to happen, when it's going to happen, how characters are going to react, what's going to be said, and how it all wraps up. This is one of the most cut-and-paste romance sin history, just with added supernatural elements to give it "originality".
But before we go over the many, many problems with this thing, as per usual, let's discuss the positives.
To be fair, I think that the cinematography in this movie is pretty good. It's a very well-shot and well-edited movie even with a few shortcomings in the SF department, but we'll get back to that. The film's cameraworkers have a very clear idea of what the tone of each scene is supposed to be and how it's supposed to look. Unfortunately, it's just what they're filming that stinks.
I also appreciate the color palette of the film if that makes any sense. Admittedly, I'm not really a fan of movies that are mostly grey, but I can appreciate it for setting an atmosphere. There is also an actual, in-universe explanation for the film being mostly grey, but we'll get to that later.
Unfortunately, that's everything positive I have to say about this movie. The rest of it was an absolute chore to sit through. I had to bite back the urge to grab my phone and entertain myself for the solid 2-hours of pure and utter disinterest this movie put me through.
The main problem with this movie can be summed up in one single word:
But before we go over the many, many problems with this thing, as per usual, let's discuss the positives.
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| Today's forecast: cloudy skies with a chance of grey, grey, and more grey. |
I also appreciate the color palette of the film if that makes any sense. Admittedly, I'm not really a fan of movies that are mostly grey, but I can appreciate it for setting an atmosphere. There is also an actual, in-universe explanation for the film being mostly grey, but we'll get to that later.
Unfortunately, that's everything positive I have to say about this movie. The rest of it was an absolute chore to sit through. I had to bite back the urge to grab my phone and entertain myself for the solid 2-hours of pure and utter disinterest this movie put me through.
The main problem with this movie can be summed up in one single word:
BORING
I was bored out of my skull watching this endless barrage of pure concentrated nothing. This is a movie where the most interesting characters get the least focus. This is a movie where the best actors are in the background and worst actors are in the foreground. This is a movie where 70% of the "romance" between the leads in expressed in blank stares and stilted exposition. It's that kind of movie!
Every scene in the movie feels like it drags on for hours and never seems to take a break. This film forces you to experience the boring and bland lives of a pair of boring and bland leads.
Let's get this out of the way: the romance in this movie is atrocious. It's absolutely terrible. The two leads, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, have absolutely zero chemistry throughout the film. Every time they interact it feels like the first time they've met! Maybe that's because I can count on one hand the times that either of them smile throughout the movie, and romances are supposed to be about two people who make each other happy, right? Well, it seems like they both make each other miserable in this movie. Edward puts Bella in danger of being used as a human Kool-Aid packet every time they meet, and Bella puts Edward in danger of being torn apart by fellow vampires for dating a human.
Then again, maybe it's because the direction in this movie is simply atrocious. There are actors in this movie that are clearly trying, but are given squat to work with. The rest of the Cullen family, Bella's father, and the antagonistic rogue vampires all feel like they want to give it their all, but aren't allowed to give anything more than 60%. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson on the other hand, do not give a rat's ass about their roles. Kristen Stewart in particular feels like she's intentionally trying to get the director to call her out on her sh*t acting, with her constantly open mouth and odd head shakes. I know she's not completely incompetent, as she has acted well in other roles, but here I just get the impression that she isn't trying in the slightest. Pattinson doesn't feel quite as apathetic, but it's clear he knows that the material he was handed was garbage.
And speaking of Pattinson and his character, yes, vampires are absolutely butchered in this movie. What was once a terrifying, seductive creature of the night has become a brooding, angsty, just-in-need-of-some-lovin' race of pale, boring woobies who do not hypnotize people, nor do they turn into bats, nor do they have an aversion to holy imagery. They're super-strong, super-fast, red-eyed, bloodthirsty albinos in this universe. On top of that, the abilities of a vampire are pretty inconsistent throughout this movie. Some can read minds, others can see the future, and others don't have any unique powers at all! They only come out on cloudy days because no direct sunlight comes through despite the fact that it totally does and clouds are not enough to stop it. But what happens when they come out on a clear day, you ask? Do they die? Do they turn to ash? Nope. They sparkle. The self-described perfect predator sparkles in the daylight....
VAMPIRES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
Now, I've talked about the faults of this movie ad nauseam, but I haven't discussed this movie's biggest and most terrible problem. The problem with this movie, and the books it comes from, is what it represents. What it idealizes and romanticizes is appalling, and what makes it all worse is that it's targeted at pre-teens and lonely mothers. This movie suggests that if a stand-offish and socially awkward man stalks you, takes great pains to cut himself off from you, acts oddly, and tells you to stay far, far away from him because you'll get hurt...you should do the exact opposite and follow him and pursue him because he is your true love. Let's say that Edward wasn't a vampire. Let's say he was an ugly, poor, regular human. If that were the case, Bella's first instinct upon meeting him would be to run the hell away. But because he's an attractive supernatural being, she follows him into oblivion, lies to her father constantly, ignores all her other friends, and knowingly walks right into the jaws of an angry vampire all for a boy she just met.
Girls, listen: these movies are a bad influence. They, and the books they represent, are terrible pieces of media that have no place in the hands of the young and impressionable. Even if their movies are no longer coming to theatres, their influence will never go away. An entire generation of young girls was tainted by these vile pieces of drivel. That is why this movie is so atrociously awful.
Now, in terms of objective moviemaking Twilight is competent for the most part, but it's the terrible spirit of it that makes this movie such an abomination. I can't express enough how much I DO NOT recommend this movie. Do not watch it. Ever. It is prime Cinematic garbage.
Let's get this out of the way: the romance in this movie is atrocious. It's absolutely terrible. The two leads, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, have absolutely zero chemistry throughout the film. Every time they interact it feels like the first time they've met! Maybe that's because I can count on one hand the times that either of them smile throughout the movie, and romances are supposed to be about two people who make each other happy, right? Well, it seems like they both make each other miserable in this movie. Edward puts Bella in danger of being used as a human Kool-Aid packet every time they meet, and Bella puts Edward in danger of being torn apart by fellow vampires for dating a human.
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| Bella Swan, with her eternal expression. |
And speaking of Pattinson and his character, yes, vampires are absolutely butchered in this movie. What was once a terrifying, seductive creature of the night has become a brooding, angsty, just-in-need-of-some-lovin' race of pale, boring woobies who do not hypnotize people, nor do they turn into bats, nor do they have an aversion to holy imagery. They're super-strong, super-fast, red-eyed, bloodthirsty albinos in this universe. On top of that, the abilities of a vampire are pretty inconsistent throughout this movie. Some can read minds, others can see the future, and others don't have any unique powers at all! They only come out on cloudy days because no direct sunlight comes through despite the fact that it totally does and clouds are not enough to stop it. But what happens when they come out on a clear day, you ask? Do they die? Do they turn to ash? Nope. They sparkle. The self-described perfect predator sparkles in the daylight....
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| Little known fact: most predators sparkle in the daylight. It helps them stalk their prey by making them as noticeable as possible. |
VAMPIRES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
Now, I've talked about the faults of this movie ad nauseam, but I haven't discussed this movie's biggest and most terrible problem. The problem with this movie, and the books it comes from, is what it represents. What it idealizes and romanticizes is appalling, and what makes it all worse is that it's targeted at pre-teens and lonely mothers. This movie suggests that if a stand-offish and socially awkward man stalks you, takes great pains to cut himself off from you, acts oddly, and tells you to stay far, far away from him because you'll get hurt...you should do the exact opposite and follow him and pursue him because he is your true love. Let's say that Edward wasn't a vampire. Let's say he was an ugly, poor, regular human. If that were the case, Bella's first instinct upon meeting him would be to run the hell away. But because he's an attractive supernatural being, she follows him into oblivion, lies to her father constantly, ignores all her other friends, and knowingly walks right into the jaws of an angry vampire all for a boy she just met.
Girls, listen: these movies are a bad influence. They, and the books they represent, are terrible pieces of media that have no place in the hands of the young and impressionable. Even if their movies are no longer coming to theatres, their influence will never go away. An entire generation of young girls was tainted by these vile pieces of drivel. That is why this movie is so atrociously awful.
Now, in terms of objective moviemaking Twilight is competent for the most part, but it's the terrible spirit of it that makes this movie such an abomination. I can't express enough how much I DO NOT recommend this movie. Do not watch it. Ever. It is prime Cinematic garbage.
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| Something smells... |
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