Scooby-Doo - A misguided satire of a beloved classic.

Jinkies! This movie is awful!

Seeing the title of this blog you may be wondering: why did I choose to watch this movie? Well, I didn't. I spun a wheel and it landed on this movie. I was forced by myself to watch this film: a film I never wanted to watch again.

I remember watching this movie when I was a child, and how it was one of the very very few films I simply did not appreciate. As a child, I did not know the meaning of the word "dislike" since I loved every movie I saw because I was a very dumb child. So going back to this movie I was not excited. I was expecting an atrociously unpleasant romp through an abominable script filled with terrible lines and disturbing imagery.

Is that what I got...yes. For the most part, anyways. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's bad, horrendous even, but at the same time I felt like there was a better movie just underneath the surface trying its' damnedest to break out. I mean, the bad movie was very heavily restrained, but it was trying.

The movie was directed by Raja Gosnell, the same man who directed Home Alone 3, Big Momma's House, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and the live-action Smurfs movies.

Sarcasm Mode Activated

I'm so glad they got this guy to direct this movie. Gosnell is such a good filmmaker for kids and adults alike. After all, who could forget his unbelievably incredible direction in the Smurfs, taking a bunch of magical creatures from a fantasy land of whimsy and wonder and transplanting them into modern-day New York City? Or Home Alone 3, a movie with no connection whatsoever to the first two about an insufferable squirt who nearly kills a couple of robbers!? Totally awesome! Not a hack who never deserves to work in the industry again!!

Sarcasm Mode Deactivated

...Ahem. Anyhow, I think it's time we talked about the actual plot of the movie. As you can tell, the film is an adaptation of the classic cartoon series, Scooby-Doo. The original show centered around Mystery Incorporated solving crimes committed by people in monster costumes.

This movie is fairly similar. Mystery Inc. splits up within the first 20 minutes and the rest of the movie centers around them bickering whilst solving an ancient conspiracy in an amusement park built on a scary island. Just the natural progression of this series, right?

First, let's talk about the positives. The casting in the movie is on point. Freddie Prinze Jr. plays Fred as a self-centered pretty boy, Linda Cardellini delivers an excellent imitation of Velma, Matthew Lillard is clearly having fun playing Shaggy, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer portrays a very meta version of Daphne.

Rowan really needs to work on his Doctor Strange cosplay.

Rowan Atkinson also inserted himself into this movie, playing the eccentric owner of the haunted amusement park. He's fairly amusing, but ultimately wasted on this project. His appearance just reminded me that I could have been watching Mr. Bean instead.

Another positive about the movie is that there are some good ideas present. I actually like the idea of the Scooby Gang going up against an actual supernatural threat. Unfortunately, this movie doesn't do much with it.

OK, we're done with the positives. Now let's get into the negatives, shall we?

First of all, this movie is struggling to find its' identity. Does it want to be a straight-up continuation of the Scooby-Doo series or does it want to be its' own thing, satirizing the original material? Does it embrace the silliness of the original cartoon or is it trying to do away with it? Is it trying to appeal to kids, fans who grew up with the original show, both, or neither?

There are parts of this movie that seem very out of place for a family-friendly comedy. There are jokes and concepts that seem very out-of-place and straight-up disturbing for kids. Example: the Mystery Inc. gang sans Scooby end up in a situation where their minds and bodies are switching places (it makes sense in context) and Fred's mind ends up in Daphne's body. This doesn't sound too bad on paper, and could lead to funny shenanigans if he's trying not to seem suspicious, but that's not where this movie takes it. Oh no. Instead, after adjusting to the initial shock, Fred looks down at his new body and says "Hey, I can look at myself naked...".

Yeah, that was a real line...

This is a movie for families!

Look, I'm not against dirty or adult jokes in family films, but there's a certain art to them. Many Warner Bros. films and cartoons make jokes like that in a subtle and hilarious way. This movie doesn't get that, instead just blurting them out with no rhyme or reason.

It gets even worse when Daphne shows up in Fred's body and says "Velma! Fred's touching me!" Nice. Real nice.

But the jokes aren't the only things that are off-colour in this movie. There's also the characterization of the Gang, which feels very, very off. Each of the gang members is very mean-spirited and just an exaggerated version of what their character originally was. Fred and Velma are each very pompous for different reason, Daphne is determined to solve the mystery on her own despite how much of an idiot she is. The only character I feel was captured well was Shaggy. He's the goofy, "groovy" hippie-ish individual who can't get enough food in his stomach yet somehow stays as skinny as a twig. Though, I feel like his cowardice was dialed up a bit too much, if that's possible, as he's willing to let his friends get eaten so long as he doesn't have to go into the scary monster cavern. Between you and me, I think Shaggy might favor Scooby over the other gang members. Speaking of, Scooby-Doo himself is less of a "character" in this movie and more like an atrocious visual gag. Scooby's only role in this movie is to provide slapstick, but it barely works because he looks like he was transplanted from a completely different movie. An animated movie. A really really cheap animated movie.

Rikes! Scooby looks terrifying!

The CG in this movie is awful by the way. I already mentioned Scooby-Doo looking like he jumped straight out of Shrek, but the rest of the CGI creatures in the movie look even worse. The supernatural creatures inhabiting the island look like they relocated from a PS2 game, and the squash-and-stretch used on them is more disturbing than the creatures themselves.

There's one other CG creature in this film, and some may consider mentioning him a spoiler, but this movie was made over 10 years ago and since it's on this blog you're probably not going to see it if you haven't already. The villain of this movie is Scrappy-Doo. Yes, the stupid little puppy that invaded the original cartoon for many seasons has returned as the primary antagonist of the live-action film. Given that this movie was conceived as a satire of Scooby-Doo, this sounds like a hilarious idea, right? Well, it's not. I mean, Scrappy is played as an exaggerated version of the original character and it is pretty funny to see him get ragged on by the main cast, but something about it just doesn't work. Y'see, Scrappy is mentioned early on in the film by Velma as she's relaying a story of her and the Gang's exploits to a generic hot guy who never gets named, and it ends with Scrappy getting left on the side of the road. That might be a funny throwaway gag, but it coming back later on in the film feels so insane and stupid that I don't know how it didn't work.

Scrappy-Doo, after years of demon steroids. This could happen
to you, kids. Don't do demon drugs.

It gets even better, though. Scrappy disguised himself using a robotic duplicate of Rowan Atkinson in order to take over the park and summon the supernatural creatures so he could build an army to conquer the world. Scrappy uses the power of the supernatural creatures to transform himself into a giant dog-man hybrid abomination in the hopes of killing Scooby and the gang for wronging him before, and the CG Monster Scrappy looks even more disturbing than his monster minions. Let me recap that for you: Scrappy-Doo tries to take over the world with a robot Rowan Atkinson, and an army of demons whose powers he used to transform into a satanic nightmare from Hell. Scrappy-Doo is now officially an eldritch abomination. My God, how do you not make this joke work!?

That's the thing though, the idea of a demonic Scrappy is a pretty clever one. There are a few good ideas present in the movie, they just weren't really expanded upon. I touched upon Mystery Inc. dealing with real monsters, but there is a bit more. The idea of Mystery Inc. getting back together after a breakup? That could be a great opportunity to expand on their characters, but instead it barely feels relevant throughout the film. Monsters possessing people? That could breed paranoia and bring up issues of trust and loyalty, right? Never expanded upon. But like I said, the ideas are there, but it feels like they aren't allowed to blossom into good plot points. The writer of this movie went on to direct Guardians of the Galaxy (if you can believe it) so it's good to see that he moved up in the world. It just feels like Raja Gosnell wanted to take zero risks, and thus nothing was ventured or gained. I think that sums up this movie perfectly.

In conclusion, Scooby-Doo-Dee-Doo was an unpleasant and unfunny romp that didn't know if it wanted to pay tribute to the original cartoon or ridicule it relentlessly. If you're a fan of the original series, I wouldn't recommend this movie. Just go rent some of the direct-to-video animated films if you want some good old-fashioned Scooby-Doo antics.

Zoinks! This movie is Cinematic Garbage, Scoob! Let's make a run for the concessions booth, huh-huh! 

Thank you for reading! Be sure to share this with everyone you know, or Scrappy-Doo will become a permanent resident in your home.

Unfriended - The worst found footage horror film you'll ever see.

This movie, much like Facebook, needs a dislike button.

Horror films are an interesting genre. Horror movies are one of the most varied and flexible films out there. There are horror movies about monsters, slashers, aliens, ghosts, zombies, mental illness, and everything in between. The "found footage" genre of horror is one of the most polarizing on the planet, mostly because of how different it is from traditional filmmaking. The style can either suck you into a film, or do the exact opposite depending on how you like it. I personally think that, while it can sometimes be cheap way to save money on good cinematographers, it can also be used to great effect, a fact demonstrated by the Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, and other such movies.

With that in mind, let's talk about Unfriended. This movie takes place on the computer screen of the main character, Blair, and the film plays out like a recording of the events taking place on her desktop. This style hasn't really been attempted before, so there was a chance to create a new form of found footage. A chance to create a unique and interesting cinematic experience. A chance to be a trendsetter.

This chance was not taken.

This movie is extremely obnoxious, supremely unlikable, and straight-up boring for the majority of it. I was not scared or disturbed by this movie in the slightest. I was only annoyed and pained. Let me tell you about how bad this movie is, if you'd be so inclined to listen.

The movie revolves around an hour-long Skype call between a group of "friends" on the anniversary of the day a former member of their posse committed suicide over an embarrassing YouTube video about her that one of them apparently posted. Now, I want you to guess what events take place during this movie. Get a series of events in your head. OK? Go.

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OK, you got a plot in mind? Good. That's exactly what happens in the movie. Because if you've seen any movie involving ghosts and groups of people, you know every single event that will conspire in this film. Spooky things start happening with Blair's browser, a mysterious caller joins the Skype conversation, people start dying, secrets are unveiled as the movie progresses, dumb decisions are made by our protagonists, and it just goes on and on and on.

If this was any other movie involving spirits and teenagers then it probably wouldn't be worth my time or a post on this blog. However, this is not any ghost movie, oh no. This movie's biggest downfall is in the execution of the Skype call style. The idea of viewing a series of events from the perspective of one's computer screen has been done well before, like on TV shows or YouTube videos. The style works there because it's only going on for 22 minutes or less. This is a good concept for a short little sketch. It's a downright absurd concept for an 82-minute long movie.

Have you ever had a Skype call with several people, all talking at once? Imagine doing that for 82 minutes with some of the most obnoxious and unlikable people n the planet and you've got Unfriended in a nutshell. Just add some paranormal nonsense and a thin layer of plot and you've got a great recipe for a complete and utter mess of a film on par with the worst creepypastas.

Every character in this movie is a complete and utter douchebag, doing horrible things to one another in secret, and goading their ex-friend into ending her life. They express dislike toward people within their group behind their backs. They make you root for the antagonist when we're clearly supposed to root for Blair. This is one of the biggest problems with many a horror film, but this movie really showcases how bad it can get.

Speaking of how bad it can get, let's talk about this movie's "scary" moments. I say "scary" in quotations because there are no scares to be found. Despite the strange format, this movie's attempt at terrorizing the audience are about as effective as a small child going "BOO!" wearing a white sheet on Halloween. We've got everything. Jumpscares? Check. Computers not following the users' commands? Check. Characters being commanded like puppets? Check. Spooky messages being sent via Skype? Check. It's not scary. It's been done before. It's just pointless.

If I were to give the movie anything I suppose the acting is good for the most part. Blair's actress in particular is very good at looking terrified, even if the movie doesn't give her much reason to be.

I also did laugh sometimes, particularly when the ghost, Laura, just seems to be screwing with our main characters. She makes memes out of her dead victims, and uses songs from Blair's Spotify just for fun. It's actually kind of funny, and I had a good chuckle over her playing "How You Lie Lie Lie" by Connie Conway after one of Blair's secrets was revealed.

Unfortunately, that is not enough to save this movie from its' horrendous writing and preposterous execution. It's annoying, it's not scary, and it just made me want to smash my TV by the end of it. Unfriended is a terrible creepypasta-turned piece of Cinematic Garbage.

Dungeons & Dragons - An amazing mess of a fantasy film.

A tale of adventure, magic, and overacting.

Wow! Dungeons and Dragons, what have you done!? This movie...is amazing! The level of over-the-top stupidity in this movie is astounding!

Released in the year 2000, this was Courtney Solomon's attempt to bring the iconic tabletop game to the big screen...I think. I honestly can't be sure of anything in this movie. This movie has some of the most over-the-top acting, over-the-top writing, poorly-made sets, and unexplained plot threads that I've seen in a while. I enjoyed this movie way more than I should have!

Don't get me wrong, this movie is garbage. Absolute garbage, in fact. But you know what? After seeing God's Not Dead, this is like Citizen Kane in comparison!

The difference between D&D and God's Not Dead is simple: God's Not Dead is a hateful sack of crap that made me feel uncomfortable from beginning to end. D&D is an earnest film that feels like it's trying to make a good movie. It just didn't turn out too well.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's get int exactly what makes this movie such a beautiful mess.

So, this film actually has a plot I can describe easily and succinctly. Strange, I know. The movie revolves around the evil sorcerer, Profion, who's trying to overthrow the Empress Savina by using an ancient scepter that can control dragons. Through a convoluted series of being the wrong places at the wrong times, a young, 99-cent version of Aladdin named Ridley, his sassy black sidekick named Snails, and an attractive, bookish mage named Marina, end up competing with Profion's servant, Damodar, to find the staff and save the world from the rule of a tyrant. It's got all your fantasy archetypes: a diverse set of heroes, a magically-inclined villain, a magic MacGuffin that everyone wants, swordfights, spells, and yet surprisingly few dungeons or dragons. Very disappointing, I must say.

Now, this movie sounds like the most generic-ass fantasy story in the world, and you're right. There is very little originality to be found here. But damn, it's fun! It feels like this movie revels in its own over-the-top madness and just presents with no shame. It's kind of amazing how open it is about its' premise. This movie just loves fantasy and everything that comes with it!

Profion, the Hammy

Now, despite how much this movie loves itself, that doesn't excuse it from being horrendous. My oh my, is this movie trash. Let's begin with the acting, shall we? Some of the performances, particularly those of Ridley and Marina, are passable at best and adorably poor at worst, this movie takes place in a certified World of Ham. Jeremy Irons plays Profion, and he is having the absolute time of life as the evil overlord. Every line of dialogue he utters is so deliciously evil and over-the-top that it's impossible not to smile yourself. Damodar is played by Bruce Payne and, and boy is he ever not caring what anybody thinks. Half the time he sounds like he's doing baby talk, and the other half he's imitating the Emperor from Star Wars. Snails is played by Marlon Wayans being every character he's ever played in his brothers' parody movies, just with less profanity and sex jokes. There are other characters, like Elwood the dwarf, and Azmath the Guildmaster, and they all act just as strangely and goofily at the rest. They're a blast to watch, but I can't in good conscience call them acceptable performances.

Damodar, the Fabulous

The effects in this movie aren't really anything to write home about. They are the very definition of "PS2 Cutscene" in terms of quality. While the practical effects are acceptable at best, if a little bizarre at times, the CG is so hilariously poor that I keep seeing Twisted Metal Black or Final Fantasy X every time a dragon is onscreen. The costume design is also pretty suspect, with many of them coming straight out of a bad L.A.R.P. session. Damodar in particular looks pretty ridiculous with his cape, spiked shoulder pads, and powder-blue lipstick. There's also the Empress's plastic, bouncy headgear, and a tracker elf's pointed-boob chestplate. I'm not sure who designed the costumes, but I hope they found good work in Spirit Halloween Store.

This movie is a crazed amalgamation of fantasy cliches and tropes that just rolls with the punches to create the ultimate blend of insanity and stupidity. It's an earnest film with no qualms about what it is, and I actually respect that greatly. A lot of films set in fantastical worlds will try their damnedest to make this world seem as dry and real as possible. This movie just doesn't care. It wears its heart on its sleeve and hides nothing. I love that!

This movie is Cinematic Garbage, through and through, but it's the kind of garbage that sticks out from the pile. It's a movie that, if you like entertaining messes, I'd actually recommend!

There are 2 sequels to this movie circulating around the internet. I guess I've got my work cut out for me.

God's Not Dead - Blatant Propaganda at its' absolute worst.

He's surely asleep. What? He let this movie come into existence.

Y'know, before I started this blog I thought that these movies would just baffle and bore me. I always thought that a bad movie was just an unpleasant experience that wouldn't leave a great impact on my life one way or the other. I thought this would be easy, seeking out the worst of the worst.

But today, my friends, I was proven wrong. So, so wrong. God's Not Dead may be the worst movie I've ever seen. This film enraged me. It made me cringe and stir in my seat the whole way through. It made me physically uncomfortable by just watching it. It was an atrocious piece of crap that deserves to be ridiculed and torn apart as much as it has been. It's hateful, seething load of bile and acid bubbling in a cauldron of self-righteousness and victimization...and yet, it was a box office success, so much so that a sequel was made 2 years later. That is unacceptable.

Well, my friends, it's time to rip God's not Dead a new one.

Before we begin, I would just like to say that my thoughts on religion have nothing to do with my thoughts on this movie. This is a very biased and politically charged film and so you might think that I'm hating on it just because I disagree. That is not true. This is just a horrendous piece of cinema and I'm here to share its horror with you all. With that out of the way, let's discuss the plot.

The film revolves around college student Josh Wheaton (no relation to the director of the Avengers...sure) who is a devout Christian and attending a philosophy class run by Professor Radisson, a very...insistent anti-theist. Raddison forces his students to write "GOD IS DEAD" on a piece of paper, and they're all OK with it except for good ol' Josh. Because of his refusal to renounce his faith, Radisson challenges Josh to a debate about the existence of God. If Josh wins, then he passes the course. If Radisson wins, then he fails.

Meanwhile, a liberal blogger named Amy is stricken with cancer and loses her jerkass boyfriend because he's a jerkass. She is now on a journey to find a way to cure her cancer. Guess what that is?

Meanwhile, a Muslim girl named Ayisha is secretly worshiping Jesus when her very traditional father (who makes her cover her face in public yet lets her wear a short-sleeved t-shirt) isn't around.

Meanwhile, Reverend Dave is having the weakest crisis of faith ever as he and his friend from Africa (whose name I forget, but there's so many characters in this movie you can't really blame me) are trying to take a trip to Disneyland. Only problem? Every car they try to drive breaks down on them.

MEANWHILE, A Chinese exchange student named Martin is beginning to discover Jesus, much to the dismay of his father, a member of the Communist Party.

MEANWHILE, Radisson's girlfriend feels ignored and dismayed by him and tries to find a solution to this problem.

In case you couldn't tell, this movie is a bit cluttered. It has about 15 different sub-plots and not one of them has enough focus to make it interesting. Each of these sub-plots feels incredibly brief, beginning in one scene, being forgotten about for most of the movie, and then showing up near the end to be resolved out of nowhere.

The only plotline that feels like it has any impact is the conflict between Josh and Radisson, and even that feels horribly forced. The entire thing could have been avoided if Josh had just gone to the dean, and explained that Radisson was imposing his views on the students! But no, instead we need a debate sub-plot so our young, attractive protagonist can act as a soapbox for the writers and directors, spewing their arguments for why God exists without hearing the other side because that's how debate works.

This movie is clearly trying to be the religious equivalent of a movie like Crash or Short Cuts, featuring a lot of short stories that interconnect with one another somehow. The main problem with this movie is that none of the stories are interesting and most of the characters are bland and boring.

The only character in this movie that feels real and relateable is Radisson, and he's supposed to be the antagonist! Though, that's probably because every other character is as bland as tofu. Josh is a boring, attractive protagonist who's willing to sacrifice his future and career, not to mention end his relationship with his girlfriend of six years, because God wants him to vouch for him in one university classroom.

Radisson feels like the only sympathetic character because he is actually given a back story and reason for believing what he believes. Everyone else is either an all-good believer in Jesus, or an evil/misguided non-believer in Jesus.

Another reason Radisson is the only character who's enjoyable is the fact that the actor playing him, Kevin Sorbo, is legitimately talented, unlike everyone else in the movie. I haven't seen any other cast members in anything other than this movie, and that's probably for the best. They play their roles so blandly that it's a miracle they made it past the audition process.

But the worst part about this movie isn't its poor writing, or acting, or story. No no no. The worst part of this movie is its' hateful spirit. As I mentioned before, every character falls into one of two categories: good and righteous Christian, or misguided and mean non-Christian with no in between. If you think you're going to find something to like if you're not a hardcore Christian, you're going to be majorly disappointed.

When Aisha's father finds out about her being a Christian he beats her before throwing it our of their house. Amy's boyfriend is depicted as a jerkass atheist with no sympathy for anyone. Radisson, as I mentioned before, is the antagonist of the film, abusing his power as a professor to force his viewpoint on his students.

This movie is so hateful and spiteful that I felt uncomfortable sitting through it. I had to physically keep myself from bolting from my chair while watching. This movie isn't going to convert anyone or make anybody appreciate Jesus. It's just going to make you angry. It was made for a very particular audience to feel persecuted and have their viewpoint reinforced. That's the entire purpose the movie.

It's propaganda, plain and simple. Please, for the love of God, do not watch this movie! I hated it! I despise it! I never EVER want to see this movie again!

This is my message to all sane people in the world: Stay far, far away from God's Not Dead!

God's Not Dead is an unholy sin against moviegoers everywhere, and belongs in the pits of Hell alongside all other pieces of Cinematic Garbage!

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie - The movie that didn't live up to Power Rangers' standards.

Go Go, out of the theatre!

I recently had the pleasure of seeing the new Power Rangers (2017) in the theatre, and I enjoyed it far more than I thought I would. The Power Rangers franchise isn't exactly known for its narrative storytelling or memorable characters, but it explored it from a different angle we haven't really seen before, so I have to give kudos to the team behind that movie.

Because of my enjoyment of the film, I thought it appropriate to check out some of the older Power Rangers shows. I never grew up with Power Rangers, but I can still appreciate the innocent cheesiness of the old Mighty Morphin' series. When I found out that they made a movie tie-in to the show I thought to myself: "So, they pulled a Transformers and used a theatrical film to launch a new toyline, eh? That's cute!" so I decided to check it out...that was a mistake.

I'm not pretending that Power Rangers is high art or anything, but by Zordon this movie was atrocious. I was bored, I was frustrated, and I was baffled all at once during my viewing of this film. If I was a kid in the 90s when this movie was released, and I was super-excited to see my heroes on the big screen, I would have left this movie disappointed.

This movie had a budget of $15 Million. Admittedly, not a fortune but still enough to make a halfway-decent action film. This movie apparently took $10 million and flushed it down the toilet. The fight scenes in this movie look just as bad as the ones from the show, and if you've seen the fights from the show then you know how ridiculous they are. In fact, the whole movie really feels like a 90-minute episode of the show, and not in a good way.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's discuss the plot: The Power Rangers, Tommy, Billy, Kimberly, Adam, Rocky, and Aisha, are going about their lives doing EXTREME sports in order to raise money for the construction of an observatory, when an ancient egg is accidentally unearthed by the construction crew. Zordon, the Rangers' mentor, informs us that the egg contains an ancient evil named Ivan Ooze (such a terrifying name) that must not be released under any circumstance. Unfortunately, the Power Rangers' regular enemies, Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, crack open the egg and unleash Ooze upon the world.

Ooze is too powerful for the Rangers and manages to put Zordon in a critical state. In order to save both him and the world the Rangers must travel to an alien planet (which looks an awful lot like coastal Australia) to obtain some sort of "Great Power" that will grant them the ability to do...things. They go on adventures, fight some monsters, defeat Ivan Ooze, and then all is right with the world. The End.

The purple gentleman is Mr. Ooze.
He's got quite the lovely goatee.

As always, let's start out with the positives.

First off, while Ivan Ooze is a lackluster villain at best, the actor playing him, Paul Freeman, is clearly having the time of his life hamming it up as a cheesy kid's movie villain. He's the only legitimately good actor in the movie and it really shows.

Also, despite the stupidity of the fight scenes, some of them are entertaining in a so-bad-it's-good manner. The physics of Power Rangers are not realistic, let me tell you.

Those are about the biggest compliments I can give this idiotic movie.

Let me lay this out: what works for a 22-minute-at-a-time TV show doesn't necessarily work for a 90-minute movie. The pacing feels super wonky and the film spends an inordinate amount of time on fight scenes. The movie is even shot the same as the show, just with a more expensive camera. The only time they took advantage of their budget is inserting a skydiving scene that has f*ck-all to do with the rest of the movie. By the by, the skydiving doesn't ever come back as a plot device later in the movie, because they have no idea about Chekhov's Gun.

It occurs to me that this movie could have been a great opportunity to actually develop the characters of the Rangers beyond their one personality trait of neverending niceness and EXTREME-ness, but nope. This movie decided that introducing new powers and new toys to sell was more important than having us actually care about what was happening. Oh look, the Rangers get new costumes! Oh look, new Zords! New monsters to fight! Why should I care!? This supposedly planet-scale movie takes place in one town and an "alien planet!"

Oh, remember how I said that Paul Freeman was the only good actor in the movie? Well, I wasn't kidding. I understand that these actors aren't paid very well, but the Rangers' actors are all terrible. They're certainly good at martial arts and gymnastics, but their performances are about as engaging as a block of wood. Rita and Zedd's performances are nothing to write home abut either, but they're only in the movie for about 5 minutes so maybe they just didn't have the opportunity.

The special effect, with some exceptions, are all awful. Here's a tip: just because you can use CGI doesn't mean that you should. The CG in this movie is so mind-bendingly poor that you wonder why they even bothered. Power Rangers was always known for using people in costumes as giant monsters, so why didn't they use them here!? Just dress some stuntmen up as the MegaZord and Ooze and have them fight in a tiny Angel Grove! But no, instead we need a pair of CGI monsters brushing against one another in a way that makes you wonder why they thought it was a good idea when it was clearly outside their budget!

This movie is so ridiculous and poorly put together that the Power Rangers TV disregarded it entirely! After the movie came out the next season of Power Rangers came up for an entirely different reason for the Power Rangers to have the new powers and Zords! You know you done screwed up when Power Rangers, freaking Power Rangers, says "Yeah, we can do better."

Well, it seems like they did do better according to fans, while this movie is forever mocked as the worst thing ever produced by Saban and his company.

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie is a MegaZord of Cinematic Garbage.

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 - John Travolta's biggest embarrassment, and that's saying a lot.

Welcome to the Planet of the Idiots.

...Man, what an unpleasant experience.

Battlefield Earth was one of the strangest, and most off-the-wall films I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. It's a pretentious and overproduced mess of a film that stands as a testament to what happens when a movie is not told "no."

This movie was based on a book by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology and notoriously poor writer I might add, John Travolta (a dedicated Scientologist) wanted to make this movie since 1982 when the book was first published, but was unable to until the year 2000 (for obvious reasons.)

But he managed to scrape together the resources to make this piece of garbage and have Roger Christian, whoever that is, direct it. Yaaaay...



So, let's discuss this abomination in depth, shall we? Let's dive in.


Be very afraid.




The film takes place in the year 3000. Earth has been invaded by an alien race of 9-foot-tall dreadlocked Klingon wannabes known as the Psychlos. Psychlos. That's what happens when you let your 5-year-old write the screenplay.

The story of the film follows a lone, long-haired human played by Barry Pepper named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Yes, that is the character's real name) as he travels into the ruins of what humanity once was in order to find food and resources for his tribe of cavemen.

While on the hunt he comes across the aforementioned Psychlos and gets captured and taken to their base (where he is able to breathe thanks to some tubes up his nose) where he is put to work doing slave labor in order to mine gold. That's the only reason they're on Earth, by the by, to mine gold. Apparently it's the rarest and most valuable substance in the universe. If only we'd known, eh?

Jonnie is captured with some other humans and tries to attack his Psychlo captors, gaining the attention of the security chief named Turl, played by the illustrious John Travolta who chews more scenery than a pack of rats on set.

Turl puts Jonnie away in the "Man-Animal" cages and is told by his superiors that he's going to be kept on Earth, which he hates, for an extended period of time. So it's up to him to try and do...something to get back at the Psychlo Empire while Jonnie tries to spark an uprising amongst the captured Man-Animals.

Now, if you're wondering what the positives in this movie are, I'll list them below:

-

That's right. NOTHING.

This is one of the most unaware, poorly-made, sickening landfills of a movie you will ever see. There is nothing redeeming about it, absolutely nothing.

The acting ranges from passable to downright hilarious in its execution! The passable actors consist of Barry Pepper and Forest Whitaker as Turl's right-hand man. The rest are awful, including John Travolta.

Now, Travolta's performance is something that's difficult to explain. It's not that he just doesn't care about the role he's in, that much is obvious, but he still plays his role like someone who isn't taking it seriously. His performance is so over-the-top that it's nearly impossible not to laugh when he's hamming it up at Turl the Psychlo.

Every other performance in the movie, the other tribes of humans, the Pychlo administrators, all act like they were given zero direction! They just go as over-the-top as possible with no rhyme or reason! God!

Oh, but don't be fooled! The acting isn't the only thing wrong with the movie! There's also the camerawork! 98% of the shots in this movie are tilted dutch angles, and almost all of them are extremely jarring. It's like half the time the movie is trying to give you vertigo and the other half it feels like the characters should be falling out of the shot! I don't know what the director was thinking when they made this movie, but I feel like they might have been glued to the side of a wall!

The movie's color scheme is awful, even. Most shots are overlaid by color filters, most of which make me sick to my stomach just thinking about them! They consist of a lot of bright secondary colors like purples and greens. I think it's supposed to give the environments an eerie, alien feel, but none of them accomplish this. They just make me hate having eyes!

There is also a lot of slow-mo in this movie, and most of it is shot at a framerate that does not support slow-mo, making it as blurry as a bad Skype call. This movie was released a year after the Matrix came out, so do you think that maybe the director was trying to cash in on the success of that movie?

The writing in this film is just atrocious, particularly the dialogue spoken by the Psychlos. Of course, while you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME, Turl was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES, and to do anything less would be a shame to his entire family line.

Turl's plan to do...whatever it is he's doing makes no sense! He wants to train the "Man-Animals" to mine gold for him and him alone, so he decides to find out what they like to eat so they have motivation to mine. How does he do so? Strand a few people on a mountain and keep them under careful observation until they find something they could eat and then use that food as a treat for the man-animals after they finished mining. Doesn't seem too bad a plan, right? That's only until you learn that they have machines that can somehow teach a man-animal the Psychlo language and culture just like that!...Why didn't they just take a man-animal, stick them in the machine and then ask them "What would you like to eat?!"

The story doesn't feel like it flows naturally. It just sort of meanders along to whatever events the script says have to happen. Facts and plot devices are revealed as they're needed, no thought is put into the order events at all. It follows an "and then" style of writing. This review cannot do this movie justice. It's such an ugly and unpleasant film that makes you absolutely loathe every single person involved. The only way it could be made worse is if it didn't make me burst into unintentional hilarity several times.

A pathetic attempt at a sci-fi epic with ludicrous writing and acting on par with Jim Carrey's worst moments. Battlefield Earth is Cinematic Garbage at its finest.

10 Worst Villains from Animated Movies

There's a saying in showbiz: "Your movie is only as good as your villain." While this may not be true in all cases, I'd say it is pretty valid. An antagonist provides conflict and challenges our protagonist. Thus, they move the plot forward. An antagonist isn't always a person. Sometimes they're the world at large or the protagonist's inner demons. Either way, they're a central part to any story.

Animated films, because they're mostly geared towards families and children, are especially subject to this. Because of their target demographic, they must craft their antagonist carefully so that their themes come across clearly. Because of this, animated films have given us some amazing villains over the years.

Unfortunately, not every animated film is made with care, and so we also have a heaping helping of terrible villains. Now we're here to celebrate their terribleness for your enjoyment. I present to you:

The Worst Animated Villains of All Time

First, let's take a look at some dishonourable mentions, for villains who are still crappy, but not enough so to make it on this list, as well as some that are just low-hanging fruit. 

Ruber - Quest for Camelot

I couldn't remember this guy's name until I looked it up. I'd say that's a pretty good indicator of his awfulness. Despite the voice talent of Gary Oldman, Ruber was about as memorable as a French lesson.

Holli Would - Cool World

I know, I know, but the character is animated so it counts. Holli a villain who just does whatever the plot wants her to do. First she wants to have sex with a real-life person then she wants to merge the cartoon world the real one for no real reason, it makes no sense, much like the rest of the movie.

Everard Maltravers - Legend of the Titanic

A generic villain for a crazy movie with no concept of reality. But not only that, he's a whaler on the Titanic who wants to hunt whales...on the Titanic...why?

Galvatron - Transformers: Age of Extinction

Wait, you mean this wasn't a cartoon?

Roar-Omega-Roar Frat - Monsters University

A bunch of stupid frat boys as villains in a Pixar movie. We all deserve better than this.

The Horned King - The Black Cauldron

Generic, but creepy enough to not make it onto the list.

Jean-Claude - The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Golden Films)

Hmm, a pompous french guy with black hair and a red shirt trying to seduce a beautiful woman while she's being charmed by an (allegedly) ugly guy. Does this seem familiar to anyone?

Zigzag the Vizier - The Thief and the Cobbler

Dammit, Vincent Price! I'm glad he never had to see the finished product.

Gargamel - The Smurfs & The Smurfs 2

Wait, you mean this wasn't a cartoon?

Whoever this guy is - Oliver & Company

Oh yeah...who was he again?

Mr. McNasty - Pound Puppies and the Legend of Bigpaw

A generic antagonist with an idiotic plan. Seems harmless enough until you hear his atrocious musical number "The King of Everything". *shudder*.

Mrs. Mavilda - The Christmas Tree

An evil woman who runs an orphanage for no reason and spends all the government funding she gets on poker games. She also seems to have multiple personalities if her voice acting is any indication...

Ronno - Bambi II

A decent if one-note obstacle in the original turned generic bully in the direct-to-DVD mid-quel. I do not have enough face or enough palm.

Sarousch - The Hunchback of Notre Dame II

2 Hunchback-based villains so far. Weird. Anyhow, Sarousch has the honor of being the first villain to be gay for himself. Yeah, I'm not even kidding. He's creepy and not in a good way.

Mr. Freeze - Batman and Robin

Wait, you mean this wasn't a cartoon!?

Unicron - Transformers: The Movie

Boy, am I going to get shot over this one.

OK, so Unicron's back story was fleshed out in the various comic book adaptations of the Transformers, sure. I also really liked his portrayal in Transformers: Prime. Just putting that out there, because Unicron was just a Generic Doomsday Villain who turned Megatron into Galvatron and was scared of the Matrix of Leadership for no discernible reason in his first appearance. Not a good start to the Transformers equivalent of Satan.

With that out of the way, let's get into the actual list.

These are the 10 worst animated villains of all time. Starting: NOW!

10. Mother Gothel - Tangled

Now, I like Tangled as much as the next guy. It's actually one of my favourite Disney Princess movies. Unfortunately, the weakest part of the movie by far was the villain: Mother Gothel. Gothel kidnaps Rapunzel as a baby so she can use her magic golden hair to stay youthful forever, keeping her isolated in an old tower and telling her the outside world is a realm of nothing but danger. Seems like a setup for a truly evil villain, right? 

If you've been paying attention you probably notice a few parallels to another Disney antagonist: Judge Claude Frollo from Hunchback of Notre Dame, who many see as one of Disney's greatest evildoers. The problem is that Gothel doesn't have as much depth or menace as Frollo does. Frollo has a cold, demanding presence whenever he walks into a room, helped immensely by Tony Jay's excellent voicework. Gothel just seems like a random annoying woman you'd meet on the street. 

It's a shame because every other character in Tangled seems far more defined and memorable, with clear motivations for everything they do. Even the aforementioned Frollo does what he does out of fear of God. Gothel does what she does because...she's selfish, I suppose. A boring motivation for a boring villain.

Despite all that, Gothel isn't the worst that Disney has inflicted upon us. Her aforementioned kidnapping of a baby, leaving a King and Queen in utter despair for 18 years, and a fairly funny villain song on her part keep her at number 10. Trust me, we've got a long way to go from Mother Gothel.

9. Rasputin - Anastasia

Hoo boy, here we go.

So, have you ever heard the historical tale of Grigori Rasputin? It's actually pretty fascinating. He was a peasant-turned mystic and religious figure who befriended the Tsar and played a key part in the infamous Russian Revolution. 

This movie got it pretty close. Here he's an evil wizard with a talking bat sidekick who placed a curse on the Romanov family to end their reign only to be killed and resurrected from the dead so he could kill the somehow-surviving Anastasia Romanov as an act of revenge...yeah, seems about right.

As you can tell, this character is an insult to a real historical figure with his very presence. Rasputin has been reduced to an enigmatic and interesting individual into a Card-Carrying Villain who uses magic spells and evil bugs to do his bidding. What an absolute waste.

On the plus side, if one takes him out historical context, he's not too bad a villain. He's reasonably threatening and Christopher Lloyd fits the role to a tee. It's just a shame that this movie completely destroyed a real, intriguing man from Russia's past by turning him into this weirdo.

8. Frieda - Happily N'Ever After

Now we're getting into absolute garbage territory.

Frieda, AKA Cinderella's evil stepmother ascending to godlike levels of power, is about as terrible a concept as you would think. Frieda's motivation throughout the movie is just to be evil for the sake of being evil. She hates Cinderella for reasons stupid enough to be lampshaded in the movie itself, and completely misses the point of the original character!

This movie is obviously taking a page from Shrek's book in its spoofing of classic fairy tale conventions, and thus takes a lot of inspiration from Disney works. Let's take a look at Disney's take on the character, Lady Tremaine. Tremaine is the kind of villain that could actually exist: a cruel woman who makes an innocent's life miserable. It's a simple villain for a simple premise. This movie misses the mark entirely by giving her an evil laugh and over-the-top power to turn the Kingdom of No-Name-Given into evil-town.

Frieda's one saving grace is that she's voiced by the very talented Sigourney Weaver clearly giving it her all. It's unfortunate that she got stuck in such an awful film that clearly spent more money on celebrity voices than competent writing.

7. The Phantom Virus - Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase

I think this can be used as an umbrella for all the terrible villains from the countless direct-to-DVD Scooby-Doo movies. I did choose the Virus for a reason though, don't you worry.

A lot of people really seem to like Cyber Chase, considering it to be one of the better Scooby movies, and I can see why. It's got an interesting premise and is nostalgic to a lot of people including myself. That doesn't excuse the fact that it blows, however, and blow it does. 

The Phantom Virus is a sentient computer virus brought to life by cartoon science that chases the Mystery Gang through both the digital world and the real world. It has the power to manipulate electronic devices (a power it uses all of twice throughout the span of the movie) and shoot lightning from its hands (again, twice.) So you'd think this guy would be threatening right? Wrong.

Instead of being scared, the audience struggles not to laugh when they see his goofy grin and chin that could poke someone's eye out! Not only that, but he has a hilarious way of running after the gang and a laugh that just never stops! Who thought this spindly, silly-looking lightning bolt was a good design?!

Oh, and the best part? Do you want to know how he's defeated? Well, the gang figures out who made the virus as such: The culprit really likes baseball, so he programmed the virus to make baseball references at every opportunity...I am not making this up. That's like a robber leaving his signature on the wall of a bank he just stole from! This character was stupid, pointless, and not scary in the least. 

Still, at least he's not Scrappy-Doo.

6. Governor Ratcliffe - Pocahontas

Remember how I said that Rasputin was insulting to history earlier? Well, at least he had some redeeming qualities about him like Christopher Lloyd's stellar performance. I can't say the same for Governor Ratcliffe.

Ratcliffe is loosely (and I do mean loosely) based on historical figure John Ratcliffe, the head of the Jamestown Colony in Virginia. Unfortunately, any humanity that the real Ratcliffe may have had was lost on the writers and animators of Pocahontas, as they just made him a generic, greedy settler hoping to exploit the natives' land for profit and power and blah blah blah.

The entire Pocahontas movie is insulting in general, but Ratcliffe dials it up to eleven with his snobbish demeanor, tiny little dog sidekick and unfounded racism against the natives. This guy's a-holishness makes a bunch of people shouting "Savages, savages!" seem reasonable after they've seen him! 

Because of that, Ratcliffe makes the number 6 spot. He made a cry of war seem reasonable. Screw you, Pocahontas. Screw you and your historical tone-deafness!

5. Morgana - The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea

Hey, kids! Did you ever want to see The Little Mermaid done again, only this time in reverse with none of the charm, effort, or timelessness that was in the original? 

Well, never fear! We've got the movie for you: The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea! Watch as Ariel's daughter, Melody, is drawn to the ocean as a child, just like Ariel was drawn to land, but she is forbidden from going there by her parents because of danger and stuff!

But what is this danger? It's Ursula's crazy sister (that is literally how she is introduced), Morgana! She's just like Ursula, except she's skinny! They even got the same voice actress, Patt Carroll, so you'd notice the difference even less!

Watch as Morgana pulls the exact same trick on Melody that Ursula played on Ariel, but this time she gives her a fin instead of legs! Then she does the exact same thing Ursula did, but it makes less sense! 

Who needs to come up with a new villain when we can just recycle the original!? Buy it kids! BUY IT!!

No, really. Morgana is one of the laziest villain concepts in film history.

4. Kralahome - The King and I

You thought Rasputin and Ratcliffe were insulting? Meet Kralahome! Not only is this guy insulting to history, but to a well-known musical as well! 

Kralahome went from a conservative and stern adviser to the King to evil wizard trying to conquer Siam. Rasputin, eat your heart out. But not only is he an evil wizard, he's an incompetent evil wizard with a racist caricature sidekick whose evil spells are defeated by the lamest things!

Evil dragon? Whistle at it!

Evil statues? Have the King's pet panther roar at them!

Just shooting down the King's blimp? Completely ineffectual!

I think "completely ineffectual" sums up Kralahome pretty well, if I'm honest. He's just Warner Bros. attempt to rip off Jafar and their own villain, Rasputin! All of these reasons combined make Kralahome a terrible villain worthy of his place on this list.

3. Sunset Shimmer - My Little Pony: Equestria Girls

Ugh. This one hurts me. Wounds me, even.

It's weird, because this definitely isn't the worst movie on the list but for some reason, some freaking reason, this movie and this villain just really friggin' irked me. Maybe it's because there's a talented cast and crew behind it, maybe it's because so much potential was thrown out the window, but I really hate My Little Pony: Equestria Girls.

One of the biggest hate sinks in the movie is Sunset Shimmer: a generic alpha b*tch antagonist with a secret plan to conquer the pony land of Equestria. Does that sound like something interesting? Well, if done right then maybe it could be. That does seem like what they're going for at the beginning, with her being the student of the Princess but running off to the human world when she couldn't get the power she wanted.

Unfortunately, this character is executed in the most idiotic way possible. First, let's walk through her actions throughout the movie:

She runs off to the human world through a portal that would be closed for "thirty moons" and attend Canterlot High School until the portal opens again.

She comes back to Equestria to steal the Element of Magic crown that she somehow knew existed even though it's only been around for however long 3 seasons takes. 

She loses the crown to Principal Celestia (*sigh*) so she has to be voted Princess of the Fall Formal to get it back.

Twilight Sparkle starts running against her so she sabotages her by literally cutting and pasting photographs in order to frame her for wrecking the school gymnasium. 

When that doesn't work she just kidnaps Spike and threatens to destroy the portal back to Equestria with a sledgehammer (even though it would just pass through the damned thing) so she gets the crown.

Now that she has the crown she pits it on and she somehow turns into a gargoyle that can control the minds of everyone in the school.

She announces that she will use her teenage army to conquer Equestria.

Do I even need to explain what is wrong with this plan!? How does she plan to conquer a land of magic and monsters using an army of teenagers!? Even if they all got magic powers upon entering the portal, they would still have to fight dragons, minotaurs, unicorns, pegasus, and a pair of monarchs representative of the sun and moon themselves! What kind of idiotic plan is that!?

Not only that! When she's finally defeated by Twilight and the Power of Friendship and junk, she just says she's sorry and all is forgiven! What the hell is that!? It's made clear in the movie that she's been an unrepentant bully that's been tormenting everyone in this high school for years and yet one apology is all it takes to be forgiven, apparently! God, this is so stupid!

OK...Ok...I'm calm. To be fair, in the sequels (yes, this movie got sequels) Sunset Shimmer actually got some character development with a redemption arc that actually shows the consequences of being evil, but as it stands, Sunset Shimmer the villain is a terrible antagonist that just made me angry.

2. Lady X - Foodfight!

Foodfight! is one of those rare movies that just makes you feel unclean after watching. You feel violated and disturbed like your very soul has just been defiled by the grubby hands of a deranged maniac. One of the many, many, reasons why this disgusting film has been deemed "the worst animated film ever" is the antagonist of the story: Lady X.

I mean...just look at her. The CG modeling is so bad that she looks like a plastic doll more than a living creature! It's even more disturbing when the filmmakers try to make her sexy somehow, like they just propped up the corpse of Jessica Rabbit and dressed her up like a wannabe dominatrix. Eva Longoria was tasked to do her voice and my heart goes out to her for having to read the lines the demented writers thought would leave a positive impact on us.

Even ignoring the fact that she, along with every other character in this movie, feels like she wants to jump off the screen and attack us, her in-universe evil plan is certainly something else. I can't even begin to describe it, because even I have no freaking clue what Lady's X's plan was! This film is so bad at relaying information that I seriously have no idea what the point of the plot was!

There was something involving robot Exobytes (whatever those are) and killing off product mascots before replacing their products with her own and a giant army of Nazi-looking copy-and-pasted CG models and kidnapping a cat-lady and Tim Curry's character wetting himself and enjoying it and a giant creepy mech voiced by Christopher Lloyd and I DON'T KNOW, OK!?

Then at the end her motivation is revealed to be that she was jealous that a brand of raisins advertised by the cat lady I mentioned earlier sold better than hers and so she somehow created a giant robot mech to interact with the human world so she could replace all those raisins with her own...did that make sense to you? Yeah, me neither. Don't worry. It doesn't make sense to anyone.

Then after a 30-minute climax of a horrendous CG battle between good and evil, Lady X battles the cat lady from earlier in a catfight (HA HA HA HA! Grrrr...) where she is hit so hard that it is revealed that she was secretly ugly all along...and it makes this already ugly movie look even worse.

Need I say any more? A horrendous villain for a horrendous movie. This is what many consider the worst animated film of all time, at least among ones with moderately large budgets. (45 million bucks!) So, you might be thinking to yourself: "What could possibly be worse than the worst animated film of all time?" Well, prepare yourself, because we're about to take a look at the most despicable, selfish, unkind, and downright unwatchable villain in animation history. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

1. Davey Stone - Eight Crazy Nights

Adam Sandler just really needs to stop making movies. He really does, because this piece of trash film might be the absolute worst thing he's ever crapped out for us to see. Eight Crazy Nights has the dubious honor of being both the worst and only well-known Hanukkah movie out there. My heart goes out to the Jewish families of the world having their holiday represented by this nine-car pileup of a film.

There are a lot of problems with this waste of celluloid, like the writing, directing, voice acting, story, characters, production, advertising, and pretty much everything except the animation (which was also wasted). But the biggest thing that makes this movie an absolute garbage heap is the villain, who also doubles as the main protagonist of the film: Davey Stone, portrayed by the man himself, Adam Sandler.

Davey is what happens when you take all the negative aspects of Adam Sandler's many characters and remove any form of likability those characters might have had. Say what you will about his other works, Grown Ups, Pixels, even Jack and Jill. As horrendous as those films are, at least they don't star Davey Stone. Davey is a selfish, antisocial, drunken, obnoxious, self-pitying, bullying, shouting, unlikable collection of disgusting human traits all compiled into one horrid character.

He regularly drinks himself blind, attempts to traumatize children, and is a piece of crap to everyone who shows him even a little kindness. When he's put on parole for resisting arrest after refusing to pay for his meal, Davey is put in the care of an old man named Whitey (also voiced by Sandler, poorly, I might add) who lets him stay in his home after his own burned down. How does Davey repay this kindness? By making a mess of everything and showing absolutely no respect for Whitey at all.

Keep in mind, Davey is a character we are supposed to sympathize with as the protagonist of the movie, and yet he's so despicable that he crosses the line into villain territory. Y'see, his parents were killed in a car crash around Hanukkah time when he was young, so his response was to become an unlikable jerkass to everyone he knew. His friends, his compatriots, everyone he ever met. He did this for 20 YEARS to become the Adam Sandler lookalike he is in the movie, and even with a tragic backstory, they still manage to make him a complete sack of crap!

Eight Crazy Nights is not only a terrible holiday movie, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen, period. With an atrocious script and awful characters, this is definitely one to avoid at any cost!



So, that was my list of the worst villains ever to grace an animated movie with their presence. Do you agree? Disagree? Which villains do you hate the most? Leave a comment and let me know!

Until then, I'll see you next time on Cinematic Garbage. Bye bye!

Beauty and the Beast 2017: Tale set on rewind...

So, Disney has recently unveiled the live-action remake of what many consider to be their magnum opus: Beauty and the Beast. The original film was a masterpiece, pure and simple. It had gorgeous hand-drawn animation, a cast of characters we could never forget, and one of the strongest romances in film history. It was the first ever animated film to be nominated for Best Picture. I think that sums it up well enough.

Naturally, with such a milestone, Disney would want to cash in on its success when it becomes nostalgically profitable, like 26 years after its initial release when those who saw it as kids are now adults and able to pay their way into theatres. Now, Disney cashing in on some of their well-established franchises is nothing new. Hell, they did it with Cinderella and the Jungle Book recently and those turned out OK. So, why is Beauty and the Beast being featured on a blog called "Cinematic Garbage?"

That's because it is awful.

This movie fails as a remake, doing no justice to the original in the slightest. It removes what made the original so great and replaces it with a ton of pointless, tacked on nonsense that does nothing to fix any problems people might have had with the original.

Before you say "well, we should judge it on its own and not in comparison to the original" this movie copies it almost note-for-note. That's like saying you shouldn't compare the 1998 Psycho remake to the original when it's a shot-for-shot remake! It's blatantly obvious that it's trying to recreate the magic of the original while having no clue as to why it worked as well as it did!

As such, we're going to go in-depth as to why this movie failed in such as epic manner.


First, we're going to be fair. We'll discuss the positives.

Kevin Kline as Maurice
Josh Gad as LeFou
Audra McDonald's singing voice (for all of 30 seconds, but still worth mentioning)
The pretty CG castle

OK, positives over. Now let's get into the bad.

First, and most importantly, almost every actor in this movie is horribly miscast. Aside from the aforementioned Kevin Kline and Josh Gad, none of the actors in this movie fit their roles. I almost feel like this is a cast list I would come up with as a joke with my friends and never actually use in a movie.

Emma Watson never feels like she knows what she's doing as Belle. When her performance as Belle in the remake of an animated classic is a step down from her performance as Hermione, you know you're in for some crap. Watson has three expressions throughout this entire movie: grinning, frowning, and crying. Far cry from the incredibly animated faces in the original. Example: instead of happy and comforted in the arms of the Beast during the famous ballroom dance scene, Watson just stares blankly at Dan Stevens' CG face.

But her biggest sin as Belle in this movie comes not from her acting, but her singing. Good God, her singing is terrible in this movie. It's not quite Pierce Brosnan bad, but it's up there. They try to fix it by autotuning her to Hell and back, and it ends up making her sound more like GLaDOS than Belle. I never saw a character in Watson's performance. All I saw was someone reading lines and making the best out of a bad situation.

Oh, but Emma Watson isn't the only one miscast in this train wreck. There's also the Beast's servants at his castle! Ewan MacGregor didn't sell me as Lumiere, mostly because I didn't buy his French(?) accent. Though his candlestick is the most appealing CG inanimate object in the castle, he just didn't fit the role. Speaking of unappealing CG objects, what the hell were they thinking with most of them in this movie? Cogsworth's face is strangely mechanical (even for a clock) and Ian McKellen tries, as he usually does, but his role basically amounts to spouting exposition, pointing out the time, and arguing with Lumiere. Emma Thompson is fine as Mrs. Potts, I guess, but she brings nothing Angela Lansbury couldn't.

 Audra McDonald is cast as the Wardrobe of all things (who is narcoleptic for no apparent reason) and, despite her accolades, barely gets to sing in this movie while Emma Watson and Dan Stevens get to sing-talk their way through the musical numbers. Also, her CG model? Way scarier than the Beast! She has these black, soulless eyes and these curtains for a mouth that look like the flapping jaws of death itself! What was  wrong with just a normal face like all the other inanimate objects have!?

Oh, and Stanley Tucci is in this movie as a piano. Yeah, I know that seems tacked on and pointless, but so was he.

Luke Evans plays Gaston in this movie, and he does...fine. He also can't sing, leading to a painfully autotuned Mob Song. Josh Gad does a good job as LeFou and managed to get a few laughs out of me. Now, I'm sure you've heard the fact that LeFou is gay for Gaston in this movie and...it goes nowhere. LeFou's crush on Gaston amounts to nothing but a few jokes you'd see in any romance movie with the "dogged nice guy" character.

You're probably wondering why I haven't talked about the Beast yet. Well, that's because there is barely anything to say. Dan Stevens' portrayal of the iconic Beast is so bland and unoriginal that it nearly brought me to tears in the theatre. If that's not enough, the Beast is a complete a-hole for the majority of the movie. In the original, he was a jerk, obviously, but it felt like he was at least trying to be civil when Belle first arrived. Here, he's so stupid that he never even considers that Belle could be the one to free him until she runs out of the castle and gets attacked by wolves. Belle and the Beast share no interaction between the points when she first arrives and when she finds the rose. Because of that, there is very little connection between the two and the scene where Belle is yelled at and sent off has no impact!

The lack of chemistry between Watson and Stevens is something of a big problem in a ROMANCE movie. Gaston and LeFou have better chemistry than Belle and Beast. Belle and Maurice have better chemistry than Belle and Beast! They remove key scenes and interactions between characters, completely messing up the pacing, leaving the movie feeling disjointed and unnatural.

Speaking of the pacing, y'know that pointless stuff they added I mentioned earlier? Well, here's a quick rundown of what they are and where they go.

Gaston being a war veteran. That goes nowhere.
The Beast's tragic backstory involving a dead mother and abusive father. That goes nowhere.
The Beast's magic book that allows him and Belle to travel anywhere in the world which they use to go to Belle's childhood home to answer a question no-one was asking. That's as far as it goes.
Gaston and LeFou's attempt to straight-up murder Maurice. Leads to the same outcome as the bar scene in the first movie. So it goes nowhere.
With every petal that drops from the rose the castle falls apart and the inanimate objects become less animate. Leads to a great scene at the end, but not much else.

There's everything new in the movie. Aside from that, it's pretty much the same as the original, except with worse acting and no charm.

Don't go see this movie if you haven't already. It's a pointless remake meant to do nothing but attract the money from our wallets, plain and simple.

Beauty and the Beast (2017) is grade-A Cinematic Garbage.